My first-class honours degree gay woman Experience

It was late. It was raining. And dark. And cold.

The auditory sensation of the ethnic music group wafted down the street from the Flying buck as I nibbled at something that might once have been a cod before it was cremated and sealed in cardboard flavoured yellow concrete and stuffed in newsprint with gash of raw potato.

I opened the pub door as the North eats premier ( and only ) Lesbian anti pedophile stria Boris and the Pedos sang.
"String the sod up"
"String the sodomite up"
"There's null as vile as a pedophile, so string the buggers up !"An audience of three skin headway and an old codger who mistook it for dominoes night sat there bored out their skulls.

"All right Johnno ?"Boris the lead singer shouted as her band rested between numbers.

Nearly bald, five five over 20 stone, squeezed into additional large dungaree three size too lowly with a leather cap what had probably been old when the first world war was on she was the sort of dike lesbian who got butch lesbians a bad name.

thinker you the way she liked fucking convicted pedos up the ass with a sledge hammer handle made me wonder whether she actually was a lesso. She had cracking bass barytone voice though, pity she was tone deaf.

"Not so bad, how's it going ?"I asked.

"Not so bad,"she said,"Any favourite ?"

"Bit of verse ?"I suggested,"The gallows tree ?"

"Sit thee down, and perch awhile."
"And watch the solitary pedophile."I started

"As swaying gently in the breeze, he dangles from the gallows tree !"she finished, ah that's poetry.

"You can't bring food in here,"Sandra the barmaid shouted.

"Its from the kebab workshop, I don't reckon it counts as food,"I moaned.

"Them fucking cunts hates us,"Harley Charlie, the moped riding top dog skinhead announced,"They ought to fuck off back where the come from."

"Where fucking Oldham ?"his mate asked.

"Who gives a piece of tail, lets have a sing song, that old one,"he said drunkenly,"White drop of Dover !"

"We'll chow Pedos over, the White drop-off of Dover, tomorrow just you wait and see."

"We'll get all them cocksucker and chuck the sleep over after,"I suggested,"Then we'll be fucking Pedo free people !"

"You got the words Johnno ?"Boris asked.

"No I just fucking made it up, Redeemer fucking christ."I replied.

"shuffling a cracking phonograph record,"Charlie said, and he stood up,"Need a shit, get the swallow in Nobber."

"Why the fuck do I always get to get the deglutition in ?"Nobber asked.

"‘ Cause your on benefits, no one else got any cash ?"I suggested.

"screwing hard work, benefits, having to remember to fucking limp."Nobber said, but no one gave a fuck.

"What you having Johnno ?"Sandra asked.

"Anal ?"I suggested.

"To drink not later you filthy bastard !"Sandra retorted and Boris flashed me a black spirit, she must give thought she had pulled.

"Rats piss,"I said.

"You can have one Stella ‘ cause I know what your ilk after a few pints eh Mr diskette !"Sandra laughed.

"All fucking right, it was only once."I stammered as me face went promising red,"Ever ready me."

"Fuck anything anything any time ?"John Hunt the bookie from Matson street walked out the bog and started taunting me. hunting the Cunt as we called him.

"Long as its over 18, and has a puss and a pulse,"I protested.

"Like a cow ?"he laughed.

"Technically they has a vestibule not a puss,"I said using my higher-up intellect gained from watching pointless fucking game show and standardized crap on pointless piece of ass day TV.

"Her then,"he said pointing at Boris.

"Fuck off she's a fucking Lesso."I said supportively.

"50 British pound says you can't."He suggested.

"50 quid each ?"Boris asked.

"Two hundred, make water it five !"Hunt the cunt taunted.

"Christ,"Boris said,"I could use a few chaw as it happens."

"Oh for roll in the hay sake,"Hunt sighed,"I was taking the piss."

"We heard,"Harley Charlie chuckled,"What you reckon Johnno ?"

"Yeah, why not, I'm up for it."I lied. Jesus it would be halfway to turning fucking gay. Fucking a fat bald geezer even if it did have a pussy somewhere under the ugly great folds of belly skin.

"This I just got to see !"Sandra said. What I didn't know was she texted all her mates and said to come round and watch.

"So what's your game ?"Nobber asks Hunt the Cunt.

"Just like to see Lesbos sorted out,"he sniggered.

"Wants a parcel of the CCTV rights more like,"I sighed knowing half of Saudiafuckingrabia had seen my ass bobbing around on some porn television channel streamed from the CCTV as I gave Sandra a component part one night after ignition lock up.

"gent what do you guide me for ?"Hunt asked.

"Money grabbing cunt,"Harley Charlie said nicely.

"Yeah well making money's me hobby ennit ?"Hunt laughed,"Go on. I'll make it a grand each."

"I dunno,"I said,"What you reckon Boris ?"

"If your up for it I am."she said,"I need the cash."

"acquiring up for its the problem,"I thought to me self as I tried to exclude me eyes and think of England, or actually that scene in Nippon smut Farm three where the Jap girlfriend all strip off on the parade flat coat and initiate doing usage until the blokes start fucking them.

It was no proficient, me cock did a passable imposture of a French S Cargo ( snail ).

"In the stake elbow room ?"I suggested.

"Lock the door Sandra,"Hunt suggested.

"Fuck that me mates is coming,"Sandra explained.

"Oh fucking jesus."I thought.

"right hand lets do one more set of can buy me love,"Boris called as she twanged a horrible row from her authentic Formosan Scatocaster Guitar, It might give worked better if she had noticed it was for 120 volt not 240 but reading and thinking were not exactly her impregnable points.

"Buy me a adamant pack you cunt and you can kip with me tonight."
"Stick it up me bum you cunt and I'll progress to it all seem right.
"Cause all I want is,"“ Lots of money and Money can buy me make love,"
"Can buy me luh-uv,"
she wailed.

Poor old Macker Lennon must have been turning in his pit.

Actually the pub was filling nicely.

Boris was starting another set.

"Tie a fucking pedo round the old oak tree diagram
If he fucking dies its all right by me."

"Who writes this shit ?"Hunt asked.

I never admitted anything,"Its satire,"I said.

"roll in the hay racist,"he said shaking his head.

"Across the sea, where all the priests are paedophile, ''
"Celibate means the nooky lot are gay."Boris warbled to what might well feature been supposed to be the air to"Danny Boy."

"the Nazarene sake Johnno she'll be on the racist shit adjacent do something !"Sandra hissed in me lug hole as the pub filled with her mates.

I stepped up to the mike, I got a half decorous voice, well it was ok till it broke, kind of split down the halfway more like, when me balls dropped."You all know this one,"I shouted and started singing a crapello, that means on me tod.

"The Dew on the meadow, the mist on the stream.
The river runs down to the sea."

"We gather together to greet the dawn
and England belongs to me."

Boris's mate crashed in a few random chords on Bass Guitar which was handy because I started far too highschool

"So bugger the spaniards and sodomise the batrachian, and bugger the old EEC
The whole ass Eurozone can get stuffed 'cause England belongs to me."

"Italians are pedopiles so are the Kraut, the culture have all got VD
So lets get and build an atomic dud and muck up them to buggery."

"And shove along them to Bug, and shove along them to Bug,"

"And blow them to bug er ree !"I finished as a solo and then tried to make a run for it.

"Bloody perdition that was fucking brilliant !"this pissed up fancy woman with DD tits and blonde hair straight out of a spraying can who might bear passed for 25 on a dark night where you couldn't see the wrinkles under her eyes cooed as she pressed her titmouse against me.

Suddenly S payload turned to frankfurter, well more like heather handle if I'm good ‘ effort I wont see twenty again in a hurry like either.

"Ohhh you are a big boy,"she cooed as she cupped me balls through me jeans.

"Its now or never,"I thought as I pulled away from her.

"And now the principal effect,"I said,"Drum cast please Karen."

"I'm fucking Elsie you blind goof !"the drummer replied but she started smacking sin out of the metal drum skins all same.

"Go for it ?"Boris asked.

I nodded.

She pulled down her shinny rigorous supererogatory large jeans and the bragging roll of pink belly fat you ever did see cascaded down completely hiding what looked like a tiny brace of pinko panties.

Me ardour was fading. ( Posh slang for me cock was shrinking, fast )

"pin it anywhere no one will detect !"Boris hissed as I dropped my gasp and pushed her against the bar.

Now any reasonable fucker would have rubbered up but I didn't have sentence, and anyway plan A was to scoot up somewhere under a axial rotation of flabby under her belly push but wouldn't you know privy Thomas went straight for the moist spot. I reckon she must have fancied the blonde tart with the DDs Lapp as I had.

The feel of me bare cock head teacher on a moist cunt lips is much the Same whether its Brianny or Mad Donna or someone what looks like some fuckers grandad and I made the mistake of shutting me eyes.

Next fucking affair I was going for it. Fucking JT was in. rightfield up, that fucking flab was soft as shag and just flowed out the way. She was truly be intimate. I was truly fucked.

"Oh god."I moaned but I never had the sense to stop.

"No don't that feels too decent, for fucks sake Johnno !"Boris was wailing.

I started going for it, like a fucking terrier against a wellington iron heel, it felt too fucking right. It was all wrongfulness and then the pressure firing alarm clock went off in me bollocks.

"Ready or not I'm coming !"I shouted and to a bloody big cheer I shot me load.

"Fake !"someone cried.

"He fucking didn't he slimed me !"Boris protested and she showed three of her roly-poly fingers inside her and dragged them out glistening with spunk.

piece of ass applause all round, fucking ten stone and a bit weakling and a butch les. It must cause looked screaming, like one of them little male spider fucking them immense distaff blackness widder spider except I hadn't been ate yet.

"Pay metre,"I said as trick William Holman Hunt tried to swipe away.

"Fair do's you earned it,"he laughed and he flashed a wad of notes. I flicked through.

"And the rest,"I said without counting.

He coughed up another ton or so which brought it just over two grand which was fair.

"You really would fuck anything you fucking worm,"Sandra said.

"shag pot calling the shag kettle,"I said,"At least I get a wondrous not a one-half of lager and a few chips."

"Too shay,"she said,"Anyway its condom for you now, you don't know where that's been."

"Fucking morning after pill, is the late Night chemist still spread out ?"I asked.

"I crumbled two in her vodka and orange,"Sandra said,"person has to count after you."

"I know,"I said,"I am grateful."

"Elsie says if I have IVF and have ternary we can get a 3 sleeping room council house straight away,"Sandra said all innocent like.

"Not that fucking grateful,"I said as Boris decided not to rile trying to force her belly back in her jeans but to bond the spare part mike up her cunt instead as she launched in to song.

"He's got a Pedo's bollocks in his hand,
He's got his cock and orchis in his hand,"and as she sang,
'' He's got a Pedo's egg in his handwriting, '' again the the audience joined in with.
"And he'll rip the fuckers off !"

"There ain't no elbow room for Pedo's in this country,"they continued.

I'd had enough, I felt upchuck, that was pretty low fucking a ugly dyke Les for money, Ok better than traverse route or collecting tax or walking the streets like a plod but pretty bloody low.

I opened the door. There were half a 12 uniforms sheltering in the porch.

"Oh its you Allthwaite,"the Police sergeant-at-law said knowingly,"Off home ?"

"Nah off down the Mosk for Fri Prayers."I corrected him.

"Its Tues,"the Sergeant corrected,"This Gentlemen is your actual Black Muslim Gay gay woman transsexual member of every bloody minority the plate office has ever heard of and plenty more beside, arrest him at your peril."

My report had preceded me"Box tick,"I agreed.

"Just ass off."He said.

So I did, and they arrested some fellow who came out his gaff in his nightshirt to plain about the row.

Its a funny story old world.

And that was me first Lesbian experience .