Anna was going to stay with me for a calendar month, but that month turned into two. Then three. Now the new year was approaching, and she had not left yet. I did not worry, of track, as I was madly in love with her, but the doubt had consumed me. Was she a roommate ? Friend ? lover ? More ?

The time to stimulate"the public lecture"was that kickoff week, after she blew me twice. But we did not. She blew me a few more multiplication, and I ate her out, and yet we never really discussed the detail of our relationship. Anna did not seem to mind - she clearly did not want it defined - and I pretended not to as well, though it killed me.

Then the window closed. She met Clive at a swap meet in early November. They went on a date. Then two. Then three. Soon she was no longer sleeping in my bed, and we were certainly not fooling around. She did not even come home a few nights a week. Fucking Clive.

We'd still hang out, and she'd say things like,"God, you're such a great guy. You deserve to conform to someone."It killed me. I DID deserve it, she was right hand. And I had met her. Unfortunately, she had met Baron Clive. Fucking Clive.

By December she was talking about finalizing the divorce from her husband and finding her own place in the new year. She was very sort out that she felt like she was a effect to me, and that she"owed it to me"to get out. I was JUST as clear that I didn't care. But I knew it wasn't really about me. It was about her. And fucking Clive.

I felt like I had a shot at Xmas. Baron Clive of Plassey was going to his parent's home in Colorado. Anna was driving to meet him on Dec. 26, but she had no plans for Yule day. I blew my own parents off and pretended I, too, had nada to do. I suggested we stay in and wassail wine-colored and watch TV. She agreed.

I knew the endowment I got her was crucial. I mean, just getting her a present was not enough. I needed a command. There's a conflict between a protagonist gift and a lover gift. I wanted to get her a fan giving. I wanted a bed message to be sent in big, boldface, working capital, thank-the-baby-Jesus letters. No doubt. No confusion.

I got her a pair of diamond earrings. It was the kind of thing she'd never get herself. I wrote a talking to, too. I had facts on how foresightful it takes a diamond to be formed, and how precaution and precision and circumstances had to be exactly right for it to happen. It was a miracle, really. And just as heaven-sent, I segued, was how a great deal she meant to me. I explained that I had loved her for most of my aliveness, and I wanted to prove her how special she was. I had this memorized and tucked in my pocket, in sheath I stumbled. It was my moment. I didn't want it to go wrong.

BBBBUUUTTTTT … just in case, you know, I got a safety gift : Warm socks.

So on Christmas day, we were finished with bottle two. She got that happy-kid smile on her human face and said she had gotten me a pose. I told her I had gotten her one, too. She asked if I wanted it now. I said yes. She smiled big and popped up and ran in her room. She was giddy. I grabbed her two talent and put them behind my back, under the shock absorber, almost sure I would founder her the devotee gift, BBBBUUUTTTT … just in character, I put the socks back there, too.

Five minutes later, she came back to the living room, tears streaking down her face. Baron Clive had hidden a little envelop box in her nightstand. She had just found it. It was a pair of endearing diamond earrings. She glided around the way, calling him on her cell to narrate him how much she loved them. I swallowed my tongue. FUCKING CLIVE.

I opened my gift : A $ 40 natural endowment card to GameStop. I gave her the air sock. I had lost the conflict, the struggle and the war.

***

I had very particular plans for New Year's Eve : I was going to drink heavily. This is how heavily : I went to the hard drink storage and bought a fifth of vodka. As I was about to insure out, I looked at the 70-proof bottleful of cheap hooch and though,"Hmm, is this plenty ?"I bought two. And I don't even toast vodka.

I really wanted to black out before Ryan Seacrest showed his fucking tanned face on the cover. Clive looked a bit like Seacrest. Blonde hair. Highlights. Short. Perfect smile. Extremely gracious and polite and charming and rummy. He had always been Sweet to me. A real gentleman's gentleman, actually. I hated that guy.

I poured myself a large deoxyephedrine of liquidity poison. When I say I am not a vodka guy, I mean that. I never drank it straight. It smelled like rubbing alcohol. Still, I had a destructive run that was pointing right at my liver and abdomen. I tried to dismiss the smell and took a big gulp.

My esophagus was still burning when my cell rang. It was 8:03 p.m. I thought about ignoring it, but I glanced at the caller ID. Anna.

"Hello ?"

"Is this a bad fourth dimension ?"she asked. She sounded distant.

"No. Why ? You OK ?"

"Um …"her voice cracked. I could say she was choking back tears."I, uh. Are you domicile ? Are you out ?"

"I'm home. What's up Anna ?"

"Could you … peck me up ? I mean, I hate to ask. It's just. Clive he, uh … we had a competitiveness. You know ? I just need to get home and I left my debit card at home and I can't get a cab and I don't have anyone …"

"No, shh. Look, it's cool. Where are you ? I will pull up stakes now."

***

Anna did not peach much on the way home, just a few thank yous. By the fourth dimension we got back to the flat, it was a little after 10. She looked stunning, even with her makeup running down her buttock. Her tight green dress hugged her curves. I felt underdress, what with my jean and a t-shirt.

She went back to her room, only to reemerge a little before 12. Her whisker was up, makeup off. She wore her cow PJs and a tight T. I wanted to kiss her. It was the turnout she wore the second night we were together.

She sat down beside me on the couch. She had a wine looking glass in her helping hand and motioned toward my bottle of vodka, which I had not touched since we had gotten back."May I ?"

She filled her crank up and sank back, her feet curled under her. Her oculus were red, but she was no longer crying.

"Do you require to talk ?"I asked.

"No,"she said."Yes. Maybe. God. You probably think I'm such a fucking idiot."

"No. No I don't. I won't."

"first gear my husband, now Clive. I must feature a extra attraction to assholes."

"What did he do ?"

"It turns out he wasn't visiting his parents in Colorado River over the weekend … but his wife. She called when he was in the bathroom, and I picked up his cell. She was as surprised to found out about me as I was to ground out about her."

"Wow,"I said.

"Yeah, well. Anyway, when he got back, I confronted him and he had the cheek to get mad at ME for ‘ snooping.'He left me there at the club. No money. No ride. Fucking Clive."

She slipped slowly at her drink, grimacing with every swallow.

"And the matter is … I KNEW it. I knew he was a rest snake. I sensed it. I tried to halt it out. There was just something so … fake about him. I don't know. Something fake. God."

"He looked like Ryan Seacrest."

Anna looked at me. Sort of stared. Then a snort. Then a wide laugh. I started laughing, too. She spilt a short of her drink on herself and laughed more. We were both replicate over.

"God,"she said, wiping the tears away."You are right. I was dating Ryan Seacrest ! I am such an idiot. Jesus."

"Anna, you are being too hard on yourself …"

"Stop."

"I mean it. depend, you WANT to bonk mortal. You want to so badly that you ignore the bad matter. There are worse qualities."

"Like what ?"

"Like NOT wanting love. Like being closed off. Like giving up on hope and destiny and all that other fairy story stuff. Listen, you should never be ashamed about your desire to be happy and to want the best in others. We live in a cynical world. We need more ‘ you,'less ‘ them.'”

She smiled and curled up beside me, resting her pass on my articulatio humeri."You are a good acquaintance,"she said. My warmheartedness sank. I was such a sucker. It was five boulder clay midnight.

We watched sentence Square on TV in silence, Anna taking the occasional sip from her wine-coloured crank. Her head stayed on my shoulder joint. We watched the countdown, the happy faces screaming and yelling. When the clock ticked one second base, Anna turned and gently grabbed my head, kissing me, tenderly. I had kissed her before, but nothing was like this. It was sweet and gentle and load down with meaning. For me.

She pulled away and bit her lip, her hand caressing my impertinence. She put down her wine-coloured glass and started to act, straddling me.

"No,"I said, jumping up and hopping across the room."No. No."

"What's wrong ?"she asked.

"You can't do that."

"Sorry."

"It's not fair."

"What ?"

"THAT. Again."

"What ? osculate you ? I thought you liked that ? We're friends. It's OK …"

"FUCK Anna. We are NOT friends. We're not. I mean, we are. But … you HAVE to know I love you, right ? I mean, you are a smart girl. You are fucking brilliant. You KNOW I love you. I've never said it, but you know. You know !"

"Tom …"

"Don't say it, Anna. Don't say we're acquaintance. I can't take it."

crying were in her eyes again. I couldn't look at her. I felt myself welling up."But we are."

"Why, Anna ? Why Clive and all the others but not me ? Huh ? Why not me ? You want someone to bonk you and handle you right hand and be there for you ? It's me. It has always been ME."

Anna took another sip of her vodka, running her hand through her hair and pinning it back. I looked at her, briefly. I could not have a regard. I was embarrassed at my emotions. I was afraid I had changed everything.

"I know you love me,"she said."I'm not blind."

"Then why ? Huh ? Why not me ? Why not us ?"

"I can't …"

"nooky, Anna. You can. You owe me an explanation."

"Tom …"

"You have never been afraid to say what you feel. Don't startle now."

"I guess I was afraid that if I lost you, then I would have no one left. And I am selfish. OK ? I am the asshole."

I moved to her, sinking on the couch. I folded my hands across my chest.

"Anna, you ARE going to fall back me. I am not doing this anymore. I need you in my life, but I can't sit back and scout you particular date guy after guy. Marry them. Then come to me with your problems. I can't. I know I can be the man for you. I know I can give you what you want. And I can't sit back and keep an eye on this parade of losers. I can't be your safety net."

"I know."

I covered my heart with my hired hand, rubbing them. I had not cried since Tommy Craig punched me in the nose in eighth level. I brushed the hair back, off my forehead. It felt heavy in the room.

"I am sorry to do this tonight, Anna."

"No …"

"I could've waited."

"Don't apologize. I should."

Anna reached out, taking my hired hand again. She pulled it to her thorax, against her spirit. I turned to attend at her."Kiss me,"she said."buss me. Let's figure the relief out later. I promise. I want this. Please ?"

I swallowed hard. Anna was a repairer. She hated pain sensation in mass. I wasn't sure if this was real or her way of healing a wound. But I was debile. I leaned in and kissed her.

I have had sex loads, but I am not sure I had ever made love to someone. I had never connected with someone on a primeval level. But I did with Anna that night. It was gentle and raw and emotional. On my lounge. As Ryan Seacrest spoke in the background.

I stripped her clothes off and gazed at her, drinking her in. She gently stroked my pecker as I wrapped her legs around me. I eased into her, slipping my weapons system around her waist so I could deplumate her tight against me. It was the commencement time I had been completely inside of her. I tried to realize the moment last.

Our bodies responded to each other. When she thrusted, I pumped. When I pumped, she squeezed. Her lips never left mine. I could taste the salt from her tears on her lips. Her tongue was aggressive but soothing. When she came, she sank her nails into my back and kissed me hard. She said my figure and I froze inside of her, fucking her gently as she rose and fell.

I was closed. I asked her where she wanted me to cum. She said inside of her. She said she was on the birth control pill. I looked at her as I got close, pulling my head back so I could see her middle. She stared back. We connected. I smiled slightly. So did she. A grin of identification. I kissed her as I came, my cock exploding into the abysm of felicity and contentment.

Afterwards, we lay on my couch, wrapped in a blanket. Her wooden leg wrapped around mine, her read/write head on my thorax and her finger playfully running through my hair.

"I think this changes everything,"she said, looking up at me.

"I am OK with that,"I said, still not fully able to look at her."Are you ?"

She smiled."Yes,"she said.

"And I'm sorry,"she said, a few second gear later.

"Why ?"

"I was selfish. I was a bad friend."

I smiled, my mind raced. I squeezed her and pulled her tight."It's OK,"I said .