My start Lesbian Experience

It was late. It was raining. And moody. And cold.

The sound of the phratry group wafted down the street from the Flying cavalry as I nibbled at something that might once make been a cod before it was cremated and sealed in cardboard flavoured yellow concrete and stuffed in newspaper with slices of raw potato.

I opened the pub door as the north chow premier ( and only ) Lesbian anti Pedophile dance band Boris and the Pedos sang.
"String the buggers up"
"String the buggers up"
"There's nothing as vile as a paedophile, so string the buggers up !"An audience of three skin capitulum and an old codger who mistook it for dominos night sat there bored out their skulls.

"All right Johnno ?"Boris the lead singer shouted as her band rested between numbers.

Nearly bald, five five over twenty stone, squeezed into extra expectant jeans three size of it too low with a leather jacket what had probably been old when the initiative world war was on she was the sort of butch lesbian who got butch lesbians a bad name.

brain you the way she liked fucking convicted pedos up the ass with a sledge mallet handle made me wonder whether she actually was a lesso. She had cracking bass part baritone spokesperson though, pity she was tone deaf.

"Not so bad, how's it going ?"I asked.

"Not so bad,"she said,"Any pet ?"

"Bit of poetry ?"I suggested,"The gallows tree ?"

"Sit thee down, and rest awhile."
"And look out the lonely pedophile."I started

"As swaying gently in the piece of cake, he dangles from the gallows tree !"she finished, ah that's poetry.

"You can't bring intellectual nourishment in here,"Sandra the barmaid shouted.

"Its from the kabob shop class, I don't reckon it counts as nutrient,"I moaned.

"Them fucking puss hates us,"Harley Charlie, the moped riding chief skinhead announced,"They ought to fuck off back where the come from."

"Where fucking Oldham ?"his fellow asked.

"Who gives a fucking, let have a sing song, that old one,"he said drunkenly,"White Cliffs of Dover !"

"We'll chuck Pedos over, the White cliff of Dover, tomorrow just you wait and see."

"We'll get all them bastard and chuck the rest over after,"I suggested,"Then we'll be fucking Pedo free !"

"You got the words Johnno ?"Boris asked.

"No I just fucking made it up, Jesus fucking christ."I replied.

"brand a snap record,"Charlie said, and he stood up,"Need a shit, get the drink in Nobber."

"Why the nooky do I always get to get the drinks in ?"Nobber asked.

"‘ Cause your on benefit, no one else got any cash ?"I suggested.

"piece of tail hard work, welfare, having to recollect to fucking limp."Nobber said, but no one gave a fuck.

"What you having Johnno ?"Sandra asked.

"Anal ?"I suggested.

"To drink not later you filthy bastard !"Sandra retorted and Boris flashed me a fateful facial expression, she must have thought she had pulled.

"Rats piss,"I said.

"You can hold one Stella ‘ causal agent I know what your like after a few pints eh Mr Floppy !"Sandra laughed.

"All fucking right, it was only once."I stammered as me face went bright red,"Ever ready me."

"Fuck anything anything any time ?"lavatory Hunt the bookie from Matson street walked out the bog and started taunting me. Hunt the pussy as we called him.

"Long as its over 18, and has a pussy and a impulse,"I protested.

"Like a cow ?"he laughed.

"Technically they has a vestibule not a cunt,"I said using my ranking intellect gained from watching pointless nooky game show and alike bullshit on pointless screwing daytime TV.

"Her then,"he said pointing at Boris.

"nookie off she's a fucking Lesso."I said supportively.

"Fifty quid says you can't."He suggested.

"Fifty quid each ?"Boris asked.

"Two hundred, make it five !"Hunt the pussy taunted.

"Jesus,"Boris said,"I could use a few quid as it happens."

"Oh for nookie sake,"Hunt sighed,"I was taking the piss."

"We heard,"Harley Charlie chuckled,"What you reckon Johnno ?"

"Yeah, why not, I'm up for it."I lied. Jesus it would be halfway to turning fucking gay. Fucking a fat bald geezer even if it did possess a cunt somewhere under the ugly big folds of belly skin.

"This I just got to see !"Sandra said. What I didn't know was she texted all her mates and said to descend round and watch.

"So what's your secret plan ?"Nobber asks William Holman Hunt the Cunt.

"Just like to see Mytilene sorted out,"he sniggered.

"Wants a share of the CCTV rights more like,"I sighed knowing one-half of Saudiafuckingrabia had seen my ass bobbing around on some smut distribution channel streamed from the CCTV as I gave Sandra a fate one night after curl up.

"feller what do you take me for ?"Hunt asked.

"Money grabbing cunt,"Harley Charlie said nicely.

"Yeah well making money's me hobby ennit ?"Leigh Hunt laughed,"Go on. I'll make it a grand each."

"I dunno,"I said,"What you reckon Boris ?"

"If your up for it I am."she said,"I need the cash."

"Getting up for its the trouble,"I thought to me self as I tried to shut me heart and think of England, or actually that setting in Nippon smut Farm three where the Jap girls all strip off on the parade priming and start doing exercises until the bloke start fucking them.

It was no trade good, me cock did a adequate impersonation of a French S Cargo ( Snail ).

"In the rearwards room ?"I suggested.

"whorl the room access Sandra,"James Henry Leigh Hunt suggested.

"fuck that me mates is coming,"Sandra explained.

"Oh fucking jesus."I thought.

"right field lets do one more set of can buy me make love,"Boris called as she twanged a horrible row from her authentic Chinese Scatocaster Guitar, It might receive worked better if she had noticed it was for 120 volts not 240 but reading and thinking were not exactly her hard points.

"Buy me a rhombus ring you cunt and you can sleep with me tonight."
"spliff it up me bum you cunt and I'll progress to it all seem right.
"Cause all I want is,"“ band of money and Money can buy me have a go at it,"
"Can buy me luh-uv,"
she wailed.

poor old Macker Lennon must have been turning in his pit.

Actually the pub was filling nicely.

Boris was starting another set.

"Tie a ass pedo round the old oak tree
If he fucking dies its all rightfield by me."

"Who writes this motherfucker ?"Hunt asked.

I never admitted anything,"Its satire,"I said.

"Fucking racist,"he said shaking his head.

"Across the sea, where all the priest are paedophile, ''
"Celibate means the shag lot are gay."Boris warbled to what might well have been supposed to be the tune to"Danny Boy."

"Christ sake Johnno she'll be on the racialist crap side by side do something !"Sandra hissed in me lug hole as the pub filled with her mates.

I stepped up to the microphone, I got a half decent voice, well it was ok till it broke, sort of schism down the center more like, when me balls dropped."You all know this one,"I shouted and started singing a crapello, that means on me tod.

"The Dew on the meadow, the mist on the stream.
The river runs down to the sea."

"We gather together to recognise the first light
and England belongs to me."

Boris's mate crashed in a few random chords on Bass Guitar which was handy because I started far too high

"So bugger the spaniards and bugger the toad frog, and bugger the old EEC
The whole screwing Eurozone can get stuffed 'cause England belongs to me."

"Italians are pedopiles so are the Hun, the culture have all got VD
So lets get and progress an atomic dud and mess up them to buggery."

"And blow them to Bug, and boast them to Bug,"

"And blow them to bug er ree !"I finished as a solo and then tried to make a run for it.

"Bloody hell that was fucking brilliant !"this pissed up cocotte with DD teat and blonde hair straight out of a spraying can who might have passed for 25 on a dark Nox where you couldn't see the seam under her centre cooed as she pressed her tits against me.

Suddenly S cargo turned to frankfurter, well more like ling handgrip if I'm honest ‘ campaign I wont see twenty again in a hurry like either.

"Ohhh you are a big boy,"she cooed as she cupped me balls through me jeans.

"Its now or never,"I thought as I pulled away from her.

"And now the main event,"I said,"Drum roll please Karen."

"I'm fucking Elsie you blind twat !"the drummer replied but she started smacking Scheol out of the membranophone skins all same.

"Go for it ?"Boris asked.

I nodded.

She pulled down her shinny slopped extra large jeans and the expectant rolling of pink belly fat you ever did see cascaded down completely hiding what looked like a tiny pair of pink panties.

Me ardor was fading. ( Posh lingo for me dick was shrinking, fast )

"pin it anywhere no one will observe !"Boris hissed as I dropped my bloomers and pushed her against the bar.

Now any sensible fucker would have rubbered up but I didn't have metre, and anyway plan A was to shoot up somewhere under a scroll of flabby under her belly clitoris but wouldn't you know John Thomas went straight for the moist place. I reckon she must have fancied the blonde bawd with the DDs Lapplander as I had.

The spirit of me marginal cock header on a moist puss lips is much the Same whether its Brianny or Mad Donna or individual what looks like some fuckers grandad and I made the fault of shutting me eyes.

Next fucking thing I was going for it. Fucking JT was in. right hand up, that fucking flab was delicate as fucking and just flowed out the way. She was truly fucked. I was truly fucked.

"Oh god."I moaned but I never had the sentiency to stop.

"No don't that feels too dainty, for fucks sake Johnno !"Boris was wailing.

I started going for it, like a fucking terrier against a wellington boot, it felt too fucking trade good. It was all wrong and then the insistency release dismay went off in me bollocks.

"Ready or not I'm coming !"I shouted and to a bloody big sunshine I shot me load.

"fake !"someone cried.

"He fucking didn't he slimed me !"Boris protested and she showed three of her podgy digit inside her and dragged them out glistening with spunk.

Fucking applause all stave, fucking ten stone and a bit weakling and a butch les. It must accept looked screaming, like one of them little male person spiders fucking them immense distaff black widder spiders except I hadn't been ate yet.

"Pay time,"I said as trick hunt tried to nobble away.

"fair do's you earned it,"he laughed and he flashed a wad of line. I flicked through.

"And the rest,"I said without counting.

He coughed up another ton or so which brought it just over two marvellous which was fair.

"You really would know anything you fucking worm,"Sandra said.

"shtup pot calling the screwing kettle,"I said,"At least I get a princely not a half of lager and a few chips."

"Too shay,"she said,"Anyway its rubbers for you now, you don't know where that's been."

"Fucking morning after birth control pill, is the late night pharmacist still afford ?"I asked.

"I crumbled two in her vodka and orange,"Sandra said,"Someone has to look after you."

"I know,"I said,"I am grateful."

"Elsie says if I have IVF and have triplet we can get a 3 bedroom council house straight away,"Sandra said all innocuous like.

"Not that fucking grateful,"I said as Boris decided not to bother trying to thrust her belly back in her blue jean but to stick the spare mike up her cunt instead as she launched in to song.

"He's got a Pedo's bollocks in his manus,
He's got his putz and testis in his hand,"and as she sang,
'' He's got a Pedo's bollocks in his helping hand, '' again the the consultation joined in with.
"And he'll rip the fuckers off !"

"There ain't no room for Pedo's in this ground,"they continued.

I'd had enough, I felt sick, that was pretty low fucking a ugly butch Les for money, Ok wagerer than sweeping road or collecting tax or walking the streets like a plodding but pretty blooming low.

I opened the room access. There were half a twelve uniforms sheltering in the porch.

"Oh its you Allthwaite,"the police Sergeant said knowingly,"Off plate ?"

"Nah off down the Mosk for Fri Prayers."I corrected him.

"Its Tuesday,"the Sergeant corrected,"This valet de chambre is your actual Negroid Muslim Gay Lesbian Transsexual member of every bloody nonage the domicile office has ever heard of and plenty more beside, arrest him at your peril."

My report had preceded me"Box ticking,"I agreed.

"Just fuck off."He said.

So I did, and they arrested some bloke who came out his gaff in his nightshirt to complain about the row.

Its a shady old world.

And that was me first Lesbian experience .