Blagthorpe, Yorkshire, England 1886. Finest pit int'whole world.

Life were hard back then

I were standing by flaming in pit question role watching our eldest Lucy shovelling coal into railway line wagon, as fast as any man. By eck, I thought, what a jeune fille, and that's when I had a notion.

I'm H Blagthorpe, They calls me Lord Blagthorpe, or that dickhead Blagthorpe. I own pit and small town of Blagthorpe as it happens, I has a report you see.

I married a widdow, Elsie Sugden. Her had a kid already, Lucy. I says married, we never wasted brass on church or nothing. Every bit of brass went into business.

Useless gripe she were and all. 7 blooming giirls her popped before her shout enough and went to catch some Z's in supernumerary way, well one of em, I had twelve bedrooms at utmost count.

I went outside to have got a word,"Eee jeune fille thee's fit."I says to our Lucy.

"What's this chatting up thee daughter, he'll be in thee knickers next,"Cocker Drayton joked.

"Button it English cocker spaniel,"I says,"I means she's inviolable as any fellow,"I says.

"wellspring don't go geting any ideas,"Lucy snapped,"I told thee I'll not cook and clean for thee, nor go down pit, I'd rather go down whore house."

"looking here, thee'd frighten blokes stupid, now if thee's got any sense thee's sell the purity to highest bidder."I suggested.

"And how much would you tender ?"she asked.

"5 bob,"I laughed.

"Done, I'll recite our mam."she grinned and went back to shovelling. She must have been hot as she had her shirt undone and thee could see her whatsits swinging as she shovelled.

I got home after darkness. Table was set. Tea was cold as always. Elsie was bloody miserable as always.

"For half a bloody crest I'd send the lot of thee to workhouse,"I joked to lighten mood.

"For half a crown I'd bloody go,"Elsie said moodily.

"Mam our Dad offered five bob for me honour,"Lucy blurted out as she washed the ember dust off her while stripped to the shank by kitchen sink.

"Some crashing hopes it must be long gone,"Elsie snapped.

"No, no sod's had me our mam, ent no one as I fancy,"Lucy said,"Except Daddy."

"Now hang on I were jesting,"I said,"Thee's me daughter."

"So why am I working in pit not at some poncy finishing school or some such ?"Lucy asked.

"I don't want thee cavorting with nobs, I wants thee,"I said,"I wants thee close at hand so I can look after thee."

"So no early sod has me,"she challenged,"You want's me for thee own, for thee whore !"

She stood there, whatsits hanging out, the teats all stood up, face and haircloth all bootleg, and it hit me."I reckon thee's right."I said. I had a think,"Thee's old enough, there ‘ ent nowt but good manners for keeping thee around as thee ent mine so there ‘ ent no reason we shouldn't is there."

"I'd click thee little dick in half,"she challenged wi'her eyes ablaze.

"Go and fuck the little cunt,"Elsie said,"Then chuck her out ungrateful mare."

I found a golden guinea,"Here thee are then,"I says as I handed it to her,"Get thee kit off."

"I suppose you want's alteration ?"she said.

"Nah sustain it,"I said. Our Elsie near fainted, she were so shocked by me generosity.

"Da,"Lucy says,"Can we go somewhere more individual ?"

"Nay, sod it, me saps up,"I says,"Bend over table our Lucy I'll poke thee from behind."

Our Elsie made a space and Lucy dropped her mans breeches what she wore and bent over table.

Her woman 's constituent was all pink and moist and me tadger was straining fit to bust so I had me belt undone and me kecks round me ankles afore you could say"Ee Bah Gum."

It were lucky he were straining as her thingy put up a fight as I went to poke her, I had to hang on to her whatsits to get a bit of purchase like, but all of a sudden it gev way and I were bollock deep inside her undergarment. Her moaned all fill like as I poked away at her.

It was bloody supporter, her seemed to revel it as well. I enjoyed me self like I hadn't for bloody geezerhood. In the end when I shot me bolt I were bloody knackered.

I sat down. Our Elsie pushed me tea in battlefront of me. It were cold, bloody uneatable like. I flung it at her,"Am off down bloody chippy, you coming our Lucy ?"

"What about us ?"Elsie whined.

"Thee made blinking muck, thee can bloody eat ont,"I told her.

Our Lucy pulld her breeches up and that and off we went.

They were shocked to see I down Chippy, They let us go first in queue on history of none of ‘ em wanted the sack.

"Two Haddock and a bag o'chip shot,"I says,"And what ever thee's having,"I gestured towards our Lucy.

"I'll have a meat pie,"Lucy says,"The big un, what sort of heart and soul is it."

"gymnastic horse,"Chippy said,"Thee Faither lets us have pit ponies cheap when they're knackered."

"nobleman Blagthorpe to thee, any road round she ‘ ent me girl no more ‘ movement I been poking her and she's mine now."

"Not till you put a ring on me fingerbreadth I ent,"Lucy says,"You ent me dad, you ent me null,"

"Bloody hell girl,"I says,"Thee don't bent around do thee ?"I thought a mo. She were fit, healthy, why she had a better than ordinary chance of bearing me a son. Me creative thinker were made up.

"Marry me then our Lucy !"I says.

"‘ Course I will,"she says,"Lashkar-e-Tayyiba nip off down rectory and set matter in motion."

"Bugger me tha'don't hang about.|"I admitted.

"I had a good teacher,"she smiled.

We picked up us break down and headed off down vicar's place.

Vicar bloody near had a fit,"But she's your daughter !"he whined.

"whole tone daughter,"Lucy reminded him,"Him and me Mam ent married any route and me half sisters is all bastards."

"I wouldn't telephone call all of em prick, bloody irritating mebe,"I confessed.

"She means technically,"the Vicar said helpfully,"So there is a lot to mastermind, flower, bells, choir,"

"That's egg is that,"Lucy says,"No flower, no bells, no choir, no bloody fancy dresses, just call the Banns, marry us section way through morning inspection and repair and then us can get started on a son and heir for Daddy, I mean for Henry."

"Are you sure ?"I asks.

‘ class I'm sure,"Lucy insisted,"I know thee beloved brass more than anything so I ent going to take off off by riling thee am I ?"

I were shocked to the meat, she understood me in a way our Elsie never did. Elsie always wanted new stuff long afore the old were wore out, her'd of wanted bloom and the unanimous bloody shebang.

We went back habitation, I expected Lucy to bunk in along with I but her said not public treasury us was wed so I had to fix do with Elsie and her solitary let me poke her backside.

Three hebdomad later we was wed. Bloody hell did I know it. I were bloody knackered. Her wanted it good morning noon and Nox, afore break fast, during morning fag time out, cracking sentence and after tea as well as bed clock time.

"You'll yield me tenderness attack !"I protested as she jumped on me thingy for the second fourth dimension in an hour in pit agency wi clerks and that trying to look t'other way.

"And all thee stuff will be mine,"she said her eyes ablaze.

"Ah, so that's thee plan,"I agreed as her bounced up and down on me thingy which were steady as a pit prop,"So what u'd thee modification if I popped me clog ?"

"Kick our bloody Mam out for a scratch, and me bloody sister,"she said,"Get a decent theater what's easy to keep clean and warm handy for pit."

"And,"I says as her bounces up, down and sideways on me thingy, pleasuring her sen.

"Get me self a fit bloke what can roger me sideways all day and all night."she said wistfully.

"He'd have thee fat we child afore thee knowed,"I assured her,"But thee has a peak, what bloody use is thee Mam except when thee has womens thingys and I can't have thee. eats her out and the kids, send em down study house."

"You callous bastard !"she said,"They're your bloody kids."

"Not a shit o practiced none of em,"I admitted,"e should quetch the bloody lot out."

"matter is,"Lucy said,"If we moved in that skillful three bed down Abbotoire Road as I got me eye on."

"Yes ?"I said,"We could let big theatre out as flats, send the elderly girls down pit, lend youngest to chimney chimneysweep, and set our Mam up in her own whore family and heraldic bearing her rent."

I were gob smacked. I shot me load in shock."Bugger me our Lucy,"I says,"Why the ‘ ell didn't I think of that !"

"Yer gettin'old, and I had a safe instructor,"she happily as she climbed off me and wiped her sen on prorogue cloth."Now have a bit of a kip, I'll be back for more in half a mo !"

Her went back to shovelling.

"Her'll have thee in early grave you mark my words,"Cocker Drayton chieftain clerk muttered.

"I die happy,"I answered,"Then mebbe her'll fuck thee ?"

He went quite pale.

"I'm bloody joking you wazzock !"I taunted him.

He bloody fainted. Said it were cushion of me cracking a put-on, first prison term in the 20 years he 'd worked'for me.

Its bloody funny what love does to thee .