The Trial

An excerpt from the legend of Johnno Allthwaite.

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'' Holy Order in court ! '' the Clerk to the court of law ordered, `` This is a grave subject. ``

'' Bloody farce better half, '' I said, `` If you ask me. ``

'' No one asked you Mr Allthwaite, '' the salesclerk continued.

'' That 's Councillor Allthwaite to you mate, '' I says, `` I been elected proper, not like you lot what just happened to go to the right schooltime and that. ``

The Clerk started looking a bit aflutter as one of the skinheads in the front row started handing out tinnies of Stella to help the climate along.

'' I say, '' said the Judge, `` We really can not have hoi polloi drinking Alcohol in court. ``

'' Why you want one ? '' I asked, `` Or will you stick around to the Gin in your water glass. ``

'' Gin thank you ! '' he replied with the faintest of a smile, `` If you could settle down Ladies and Gentlemen. ``

'' Get on with it ! '' Big Greg Norman the six fundament seven, twenty stone bouncer from the 'Flying Horse ,'shouted.

I looked down from the witness box and grinned.

'' Why are we waiting ! '' old Esmond the Cymric git from Mafeking Street started singing to the air of `` Oh come all ye congregation, '' and the skinheads joined in `` Why are we fuck-ing wait-ing, ''

'' Clear the judicature ! '' the Clerk shouted, `` certificate ! ``

'' They fucked off age ago, '' I told him but Harry and Dave what usually checked the punters for tongue and that was in their civvies at the binding with the rest of the lads.

'' Call the police ! '' the shop clerk pleaded.

'' They could n't spare no one, '' I said and I winked at PC Tony Mulholland who was sat in the forth row sharing a joke with a blond skinhead bloke with Manchester Untied tattooed on his arm.

'' Settle down Mr shop assistant, '' the Judge pleaded, `` It is manifestly clear up that if you try to take the Court cleared you will be first to go forth and in all probability through the window, which I remind you is a third gear storey window. ``

'' Yes your pureness, '' he agreed.

'' Now Mr Weasley, do you have any sensible dubiousness for the suspect ? '' the evaluator asked the prosecutor who was sweating furiously now.

The panel was looking a bit sheeplike by this time, the old biddy in the Grey suit clearly fancied me while the school teachery one with the DD tits all constricted in a sportswoman bra was struggling with her conscience, probably a Lesbo.

'' And whose estimate was it to thrust a red hot curved Fe spike up the dupe 's anus and out of his phallus, '' he asked.

'' Ca n't commemorate gallant, '' I said, `` We was down the Flying sawbuck trying to work out what to do about all these pedos when mortal had a brain wafture. ``

'' Ca n't remember, how convenient ! '' he sneered.

'' You try fucking remembering after twelve dry pint of Stella ( Artois ) '' I replied, `` Anyway it were n't as if we patented it ! ``

'' And are we to believe you took no pleasure from this ? '' he asked.

'' Yeah, course I fucking did, '' I told him, `` The ardent freshness of satisfaction from a job well done ! '' That got a laugh.

'' Mr Weasley ? '' the Judge interjected, `` Am I to see that you claim an Iron bar was inserted in the dupe 's anus and out of his penis, only the photographs clearly show a Mexican valium. ``

'' Ah, both your honour. '' the prosecuting attorney suggested.

'' Very odd, '' the judge admitted, `` Please continue. ``

The prosecutor cleared his pharynx, `` And you can not think who had this, and I quote, 'wonderful ,'thought. ``

'' Nope, '' I admitted, `` It was supposed to be a red hot smoothing iron bar but it takes a nookie long time to wake up with a gas bump lamp. ``

'' And you do n't refuse you forced a sharpened curved red hot iron bar up the dupe 's anus ? '' he asked.

'' No, well it was n't red hot, not properly, '' I admitted.

'' Then the grammatical case is proved ! '' Mr Weasley insisted.

'' Mr Weasley, the charge is that Mr Allthwaite, '' the justice paused, `` I am sorry, Councillor Allthwaite, inserted a rope in the victims anus without his consent, '' he paused again, `` Did you believe Mr Allthwaite that you had the victims consent ? ``

'' Well, '' I said, `` When I said do you want the Allthwaite pedocure or your head kicked in he chose the pedocure. ''

'' Then Mr Weasley, would you please maneuver your questions to the matter of consent, '' the Judge requested.

'' Consent to having a red hot iron up his anus, my Lord. ? '' the prosecuting officer asked.

'' Indeed Mr Weasley, '' the justice agreed, `` Some man do freely go for to being anally penetrated you know. ``

'' But not with an iron bar my Lord ! '' Weasley suggested.

'' Get on with it ! '' Big Norman insisted.

'' Indeed Mr Weasley, get on with it. '' the Judge insisted.

'' Ah, '' the prosecuting officer replied, `` The Allthwaite Pedo-cure. ``

'' A rope in their ass and out their cock, '' I said, `` That 's the bit I want patented to break off some bitch nicking my idea. ``

'' I was going to ask that, '' the prosecutor suggested, `` If you would let me land up ! ``

'' look, '' I said, `` You shoves a curved Iron rod up and polish up see and when it looks like it 's gone down their pecker pelt, ''

There was this crumping auditory sensation and the prosecutor 's assistant keeled over.

'' Order in court ! '' the Clerk insisted.

'' Get up ! '' Weasley hissed.

'' Mr Chambers, '' Weasley 's former supporter a missy Daventry said urgently, `` Mr Chambers ! ``

'' Order ! '' the salesclerk said again but Big Gregory John Norman was on his way across.

'' Wakey wakey ! '' he said as he smashed his size of it thirteen steel toe cap boot into bedchamber'nose.

'' Whup ? '' sleeping accommodation protested, as he woke with a start and wiped the blood from his freshly broken nose `` Who buzzed my node ! ``

'' So stick around a fucking wake, '' Norman says, and he turns to the evaluator, `` You can impart on now squire. ''

'' Yes, thank you, '' the judge says all polite like, as Gregory John Norman goes back to his seat, `` Mr Weasley ? ``

'' Ah, '' Weasley asked, `` Is their a first aider, for my helper ? ``

'' Fucking get on with it, '' Gregory John Norman insists.

'' Yes Mr Weasley, if your helper needs medical tending I suggest he goes to injured party, '' the Judge suggested.

'' Yes, of course, now Mr Allthwaite. '' Weasley says.

'' Fucking council member how many fucking more multiplication, '' I replied.

'' The matter of consent, '' Weasley continued, `` Do you really expect the courtyard to believe any rational number human being being would consent to having a piece of red hot atomic number 26 inserted into their Anus ? ``

'' No but he 's a fucking pedo, '' I pointed out, `` What 's fucking noetic about that. ``

'' You fucking tell them Johnno ! '' someone shouted from the packed world seats.

'' That the victim is an alleged Pedophile is irrelevant, '' Weasley whined.

'' No it fucking ent ! '' I said, `` I was fucking elected on a promise to hang fucking pedos from lamp Post by their fucking bollocks, '' I said, `` Fucking elected democratically and that 's what I 'm fucking doing ! ``

The wholly chamber erupted in cheering, you could see the Clerks gob opening night and shutting but no sound was coming out that I could hear.

'' But it must be agony ! '' Weasley suggested.

'' Same as homos but they still does it, '' I explained reasonably.

'' The generic question is irrelevant Mr Weasley, '' the justice interjected, `` Keep to the specifics of you do n't beware. ``

'' Yes your honour, '' Weasley says.

'' You can ring the dupe later, '' the justice reminded him.

'' Look, '' I says, `` If you got a soundly needlelike point on and the level is proficient and hot and you knows what your doing it 's no big deal, '' and Sir William Chambers deliquium again.

'' Leave him ! '' the evaluator insists, `` Mr Weasley your witness. ``

'' Like I was saying, '' I said, `` You can see when the point 's in the cock meat so then if you know what your doing you can just push through down the side of the prepuce. ``

There was the sound of Sir William Chambers throwing up.

'' Yes but, '' Weasley interjected.

'' Then you thread the fishing bank line through the yap in the spike, '' I says, `` And pull it back out which pulls the string attached to the fishing crinkle through. '' I explained, `` and then you tie the fishing line to the drawstring and that pulls the thicker drawstring through and that pulls the rophy. ''

'' Are you all right Mr Weasley ? '' the Judge asked, `` You look ill ? ``

'' I 'm dingy my Jehovah, a minute please. '' Weasley said.

'' Mr Memphis for the defense force, have you anything to add in hybrid examination ? '' the evaluator asked.

'' Yeah, why not, '' Alfie Sidebottom from Ladysmith Road who called himself 'Johnny Memphis', who goy chucked out of law schooltime after six months and did really bad Zen impersonations, was my solicitor.

'' Why not just tie the ropes together and pull the unit lot back Johnno ? '' he asked

'' We do sometimes but that turns the cock inside out and leaves a cunt, '' I explained.

'' So you did n't bollock him at all ? '' he asked pointedly.

'' No, he still got two. '' I agreed.

'' And he chose to have it done ? '' he asked.

'' Yes, '' I agreed. `` I already told you when Al said will you feature your head kicked in or do you want a pedocure he chose pedocure. ''

'' I reckon that 's about all, '' he said.

'' Are you sure Mr Memphis is a qualified solicitor ? '' the Judge asked.

'' He 's a rip boy what got done for soliciting at Southport ! '' Sandra shouts from the back row which get 's a laugh.

'' He 's inexpensive, '' I explained.

'' At this point I would normally break for lunch but under the circumstances I think we will plough on, '' the Judge announced.

'' Call Mr Mustafa Allamann, oh sorry, call the victim. '' The clerk announced and he winked at me.

'' retort to the Dock Mr Allthwaite, '' the Judge suggested pointlessly as there was no way I could contend me way through the crew of people crammed in, `` Or just find somewhere to sit. ``

The pedo was let in and he fought his way through the bootboys to get to the witnesser box.

'' You are the Victim ? '' the clerk asked.

'' Yes sir, I am Mustafa Abraham Allamann of 31 Viaduct Crescent, '' he says.

'' Please serve to the gens of victim, '' the clerk says a bit pointlessly.

'' Yes sir, '' Mustafa says.

'' William Tell us about the dark Mr Allthwaite and his work party attacked you. '' Weasley insisted.

'' No, they offered their love and assistance sir, '' Mustafa insisted.

'' What ! '' Weasley cried, `` They stuck a red hot spike up your ass ! ``

'' But from that has come salvation sir, '' Mustafa replied, `` When I was in hospital for three months when they made me well I had clip to think, I am a good man now, I do not have impulse, I do not hurt people, Mr Allthwaite has shown me the way to heaven and I thank him for it very much ! ``

'' And you say this of your own free will ? '' the justice asked.

'' Indeed sir, '' the dupe said.

'' You 're not afraid of repercussions ? '' the Judge asked.

'' harvester cushion, sir what are they sir ? '' he asked.

'' Smack in the nerve, '' Big Norman said helpfully.

'' No I am cured, '' he says.

'' But, '' Weasley protested, `` They left you swinging from a lamp post, screaming in agony, hanging from a forget me drug up your anus which came out of your penis and rung in a loop ! ``

'' I was singing with happiness that I was cured sir ! '' he says.

'' Cured of what exactly ? '' Mr Weasley asked.

'' I am too ashamed to say sir, '' the 'Victim, confessed.

'' Do you actually have a typeface Mr Weasley ? '' the justice asked.

'' Ah, '' Weasley dithered.

'' I have Mr John Paul Jones sir and PC Micklethwaite. '' Weasley agreed.

'' So shout out one of them, '' the justice suggested in exasperation.

The 'Victim fought his way through the skinhead and Mr Mary Harris Jones came forward.

'' I swear by almighty god that the evidence I shall give shall be, '' Mary Harris Jones started saying and big Norman glowered.

'' Get on with it ! '' Norman hissed.

'' Mr Inigo Jones, can you narrate us what happened on the night in question, '' Weasley asked.

'' Well see we was having a bit of a practice session see, '' he said in his annoying Welsh sing call voice, `` And there was this horrible noise see, horrible it was and we went international to see this chap hanging from a lamp mail by his bollocks. ``

'' By his egg ? '' Weasley asked, `` Do n't you mean by a rope going up his anus and out through his penis ? ``

Jones looked flurry, `` Up his ass and out his peter, '' someone suggested.

'' Oh no sir, that was another clock time, '' Mary Harris Jones admitted, `` This one was swinging from his ballock definitely. ``

'' We mean the former time ! '' Weasley suggested.

'' He 's leading the witness Judge ! '' I said, `` Anyway testicle rip off if you hang puss by them ! ``

'' In all probability Mr Allthwaite, '' the evaluator suggested, `` But it is the night of the roofy we are concerned with here Mr Jones. ``

'' Ah, '' says Jones, `` frightful haphazardness it was. '' he said.

'' So what did you do ? '' Weasley asked.

'' Told him to shut up of track, '' Jones replied.

'' And then ? '' Weasley continued.

'' Rang environmental health to quetch about the stochasticity, '' he said `` But they said ring the constabulary so I rang the non pinch number. ``

'' And ? '' Weasley enquired.

'' They sent a red panda car and they spoke to the pedo. '' Jones said, `` Fined him sixty quid spot fine for disturbing the peacefulness they did. '' he added, `` But he still kept on making a row. ``

'' Was he screaming in agony ? '' Weasley asked.

'' well it was n't in tune what ever it was, '' Mary Harris Jones agreed, `` Horrible row it was ! I said hit him on the head with the baton and shut him up but they would n't. ``

'' So you cut him down ? '' Weasley asked.

'' Had to, '' Jones agreed, `` Could n't put up the row see. ``

'' And ? '' Weasley asked.

'' He fainted and when he shut up we went back in again. '' Casey Jones agreed.

'' You left him unconscious in a pool of lineage ! '' Weasley asked outraged.

'' We had a concert Saturday see, '' Jones protested, '' And we told the Council, what else was we supposed to do ? ``

'' Your attestator Mr Memphis, '' the Clerk ordered sternly.

'' What do you imagine of hanging pedophiles from lamp Emily Price Post by their egg Mr Jones ? '' Johnny Memphis asked.

'' Well it 's severe is n't it, '' Jones said, `` Their bollocks might tear off and they might descend on somebody 's school principal or a dog or something, no the forget me drug has to be a right idea, yes indeed. ''

'' No far query, '' Johnny said with a smirk.

'' send for PC Micklethwaite ! '' the Clerk suggested and one of the skinhead sneaked out and came back in a bit later in a law uniform that had seen better days.

'' Are you PC Clive Micklethwaite ? '' Weasley asked, `` Of. ``

'' Shut it, '' Micklethwaite insisted, `` My Gaff 's my gaff and that 's all you need to make love, yeah I found the pedo vacillation and tattle, I said fucking shut up but he did n't so I booked him sixty quid for disturbing the peace of mind. ``

'' And you think that a reasonable course of instruction of action Constable ? '' the evaluator asked.

'' Could have added indecent exposure but that 's Magistrates not fixed penalty. '' he added.

'' Why did you not cut him down ? '' Weasley asked.

'' health and safety, I ai n't trained for cutting Pedos down and I might have sliced his putz off by misunderstanding, '' Micklethwaite explained reasonably, `` And criminal terms, I might take in been done for damaging Mr Allthwaite 's rope. ``

'' What do you intend of paedophile Constable ? '' Weasley asked.

'' expostulation, '' Reb Memphis jumps to his feet.

'' Sit down you prat ! '' I says, `` Tell him Clive, '' I says.

'' Fucking hates them if you 'll pardon my French, honest off without them if you ask me, '' he insisted, `` Either that or cure them like Allthwaite does. ! ``

'' Your witness Mr Memphis, '' Weasley whined, but greyback shook his head.

'' right wing, see ya troll Johnno, '' PC Micklethwaite says and he strides out the court to a turn of applause.

'' If it pleases your award may we have a recession to discuss the matter ? '' Weasley 's helper Miss Daventry asked urgently, `` Ca n't we do a supplication bargain ? ``

'' That Miss Daventry is an Americanism, '' Weasley said nastily.

'' No, Mr Weasley, '' the Judge agreed, `` You may use my elbow room, Mr Allthwaite, Mr Memphis, if you would care to step through ? ``

We struggled through into the Judge 's office.

'' Can I verbalize to Mr Allthwaite privately ? '' Miss Daventry asked huskily.

'' Why ? '' I asked

'' Because ! '' she said coyly.

'' Fair enough, '' I said, but the entirely station we could go was the justice bathroom, well bog actually.

We went in and she pulled the door bolt across, `` Mr Allthwaite, bathroom, '' she said.

'' Johnno to you love, '' I said, `` Pop your mammilla out and I might listen. ``

She did better than that she reached under her severe Grey doll and pulled her sensible M and S pantie down revealing a freshly plucked vagina.

'' Are you listening, '' she said as she pushed me so I sat on the bog seat while she pulled my tent-fly open.

'' Why not plead shamefaced ? '' she said.

'' I ai n't going to fucking chokey for that twat ! '' I said.

'' No, plead insanity, '' she said as she came close to me and guided my stopcock as she sank down so it slipped easily up her dripping fathead ! ''

'' What ? '' I said, `` I 'm not fucking insane ! ``

'' You must be, '' she said, `` Having unprotected sex with a lady friend you never met before in a public lavatory ! ``

Actually she had a point.

'' Not public though is it, '' I pointed out, `` Anyway you 're fucking gorgeous and it was your estimation. ``

'' I might give birth tending ! '' she pointed out, which put me right off me stroke.

'' roll in the hay ! '' I said, `` You have n't have you ? like I only screw posh bints bareback like, '' I added, `` I rubber up for scrubbers. ``

'' You do say the most grand things, '' she said.

'' You gon na be all day Johnno, '' shouts Johnny Memphis, `` Only I could use a dump. ``

'' Piss off ! '' I said, `` She 's trying to get me to plead insanity ! '' and with that she starts bouncing energetically on me cock making her DD mammilla bounce up and down mesmerisingly.

'' testicle, '' I said and sure enough me ball were tingling and swoosh, I shot me load.

'' You filthy pig ! '' she squealed as she climbed off of me, `` There 's pints of it ! ``

'' Mind me trousers ! '' I said, `` What the piece of tail was that about ? ``

There was this direful sound, `` Why are we waiting, '' they was singing, not only old Esmond but half the lads from the Weatherfield Bethesda choir, three part musical harmony as well, then the skinheads joined in, `` Why the fuck are we waiting, ''

'' Have you finished Miss Daventry ? '' the justice asked, `` That was an sexual climax unless I 'm very much mistaken. ``

She pulled the threshold assailable, `` He raped me ! '' she said.

'' So why exactly were you shouting, 'Harder harder oh yes !'two minutes ago ? '' the Judge enquired.

She blushed bright red, `` I 'm afraid we heard every watchword Miss Daventry, '' the Judge said, `` You 're Charlie Daventry 's girl are n't you.

'' Yes sir, '' she admitted.

'' persuasion so, '' the Judge said sadly, `` He used to say you were a nymphomaniac. ``

'' Fancy the pictures some metre ? '' Johnny asked hopefully and when she sneered at him, wordlessly he added, `` Sunday ? ``

'' Shall we go back in ? '' the justice asked.

'' Do we induce to, '' pleaded Weasley, `` Ca n't we get out through the window ? ``

'' Yes Mr Weasley we have to continue, , '' the evaluator insisted, `` We are on the third floor remember, '' he added, `` You do wish well to proceed I take it ? ``

They was just starting telling, `` If I had a hammer, '' when we got back in it was a undecomposed job we did before they started doing the actions.

'' quiet in homage ! '' the shop assistant shouted but he might as well not have bothered for all the good it did.

'' Mr Weasley, are you set up to keep. '' the Judge asked.

'' Indeed sir, '' he agreed, `` Mr Allthwaite, '' he says, `` Would you say you are of strait mind ? ``

'' No, '' I says.

'' Oh ! '' he says and looks round helplessly, `` Are you claiming you are not guilty by way of insanity ? ``

'' aspect, '' I says, `` Only them what 's one shot the turn thinks their sane, sane people knows their a bit mad, and that 's me. ``

'' Convoluted system of logic Mr Allthwaite ? '' Weasley tries.

'' No fucking usual horse sense, '' I said, `` Its alike pedos see, you lock them up they meets the early pedos and gets chatting, succeeding thing they 're let out and twenty times worse, now my way they 're cured, and every fourth dimension they has to sit down and piss out their ass hole they gets a reminder. ``

That got a laugh.

'' Do you receive a vitrine Mr Weasley ? '' the Judge asked.

'' We have heard you assaulted the dupe with a red hot spike ! '' Weasley suggested.

'' He said he liked it ! '' I pointed out.

'' And you raped my help ! '' he said.

There was a pant, `` What that fucking cunt bedroom, '' Big Greg Norman asked, `` You turned queer Johnno ? ``

'' No I shagged the posh bint, she was gagging for it, '' I explained.

'' Right nice one ! '' Big Norman agreed.

'' Nice fucking twain if you as me ! '' his buddy 'Harley Charlie'agreed.

'' Then there is the charge of Racism ! '' Weasley suggested, `` Is not the dupe a, '' Weasley paused, realisation came in a flash about XX seconds too late, half the bootboys had a tide mark where their Turbans stopped their faces getting sunburned, `` a ? '' Weasley asked.

'' Methodist, '' I suggested, `` Not as far as I know, I reckon as he seen the light since me pedocure, though. ``

'' Mr Weasley, do you have a casing ? '' the Judge asked.

'' No. '' he admitted and slumped down into his hot seat, then he sprang up again, `` Except the early thing ! '' he said excitedly.

'' What, parking on a look-alike yellow, '' I asked, `` It were n't me van OK ? ``

'' Actual bodily harm ! '' he said.

'' It was consensual Mr Weasley, '' The Judge explained, `` Did you not hear the witness testify ? '' and he turned to the panel, `` madam and Gentlemen of the Jury, I thank you for your meter but sadly there is no case for you to determine this morning, so I must thank you and you are barren to go. ``

'' Oi, you promised us gratuitous nosh and a match of nights in a swish hotel ! '' one of the juror complained.

'' Not I sir, the CPS, '' the jurist explained, `` Take it up with them and Mr Allthwaite you are liberate to go ! ``

'' Ta very much, '' I said, `` That crotchet and rope and that you had as evidence, can I have it back only we 're going pedo hunting again the weekend. ``

'' No Mr Allthwaite, '' the judge replied, `` The curator of the Weatherfield Police museum has requested it for a exhibit in their outgoing 'War on paedophile'exposition. ''

'' Fair enough, '' I said.

'' He proposes to pay fifty Lebanese pound, '' The judge suggested, `` I think you can buy two for that ! ``

It seemed a respectable pot so we went out to the cheerfulness of the jacket crown and Weatherfield memorial tablet stripe acting and we all went down Andaman street mosque for some beers and to decide what to do about them Pedos from Rochdale.

That 's the matter see, no matter what differences you has, religion, race, whether you supports McLaren or Red shit, Man U or Man City, it do n't matter when you all hates Pedos, you stop squabbling and sort out the Pedos and when that 's done you can pop out squabbling again.

And me, flaming Fem Dom, ca n't do me own thing now I moved in with Miss Daventry, she reckons I should digest for parliament, vigil this distance .