Anna was going to stay with me for a month, but that month turned into two. Then three. Now the new twelvemonth was approaching, and she had not left yet. I did not care, of course, as I was madly in dearest with her, but the doubtfulness had consumed me. Was she a roommate ? Friend ? Lover ? More ?

The time to have"the talk of the town"was that first week, after she blew me twice. But we did not. She blew me a few more clip, and I ate her out, and yet we never really discussed the details of our human relationship. Anna did not look to mind - she clearly did not want it defined - and I pretended not to as well, though it killed me.

Then the windowpane closed. She met Baron Clive at a barter meet in early November. They went on a appointment. Then two. Then three. Soon she was no longer sleeping in my bed, and we were certainly not fooling around. She did not even come abode a few nights a week. Fucking Clive.

We'd still hang out, and she'd say things like,"God, you're such a great guy. You deserve to meet someone."It killed me. I DID deserve it, she was decent. And I had met her. Unfortunately, she had met Clive. Fucking Clive.

By December she was talking about finalizing the divorce from her husband and finding her own seat in the new year. She was very clear that she felt like she was a onus to me, and that she"owed it to me"to get out. I was JUST as clear that I didn't care. But I knew it wasn't really about me. It was about her. And fucking Clive.

I felt like I had a shaft at Christmas Day. Baron Clive of Plassey was going to his parent's home in Colorado. Anna was driving to play him on Dec. 26, but she had no plans for Christmas day. I blew my own parents off and pretended I, too, had zero to do. I suggested we stay in and pledge wine and watch TV. She agreed.

I knew the gift I got her was important. I mean, just getting her a present tense was not enough. I needed a statement. There's a difference between a friend gift and a lover gift. I wanted to get her a lover gift. I wanted a fucking content to be sent in big, bold, capital, thank-the-baby-Jesus letters. No dubiety. No confusion.

I got her a distich of adamant earrings. It was the form of affair she'd never get herself. I wrote a speech, too. I had facts on how long it takes a diamond to be formed, and how care and precision and luck had to be exactly right for it to hap. It was a miracle, really. And just as miraculous, I segued, was how practically she meant to me. I explained that I had loved her for about of my life history, and I wanted to establish her how special she was. I had this memorized and tucked in my pocket, in case I stumbled. It was my moment. I didn't want it to go wrong.

BBBBUUUTTTTT … just in case, you know, I got a safety gift : warmly socks.

So on Noel day, we were finished with bottle two. She got that happy-kid grin on her face and said she had gotten me a present. I told her I had gotten her one, too. She asked if I wanted it now. I said yes. She smiled big and popped up and ran in her room. She was giddy. I grabbed her two endowment and put them behind my back, under the shock absorber, almost sure I would give her the lover endowment, BBBBUUUTTTT … just in case, I put the socks back there, too.

Five minutes later, she came back to the keep room, tears streaking down her nerve. Baron Clive of Plassey had hidden a lilliputian mantled box in her nightstand. She had just found it. It was a span of pin-up adamant earrings. She glided around the room, calling him on her cadre to tell him how much she loved them. I swallowed my lingua. shag CLIVE.

I opened my gift : A $ 40 gift batting order to GameStop. I gave her the socks. I had lost the competitiveness, the battle and the war.

***

I had very specific plans for New Year's Eve : I was going to wassail heavily. This is how heavily : I went to the liquor store and bought a fifth of vodka. As I was about to check out, I looked at the 70-proof bottle of trashy hooch and though,"Hmm, is this adequate ?"I bought two. And I don't even wassail vodka.

I really wanted to pitch-dark out before Ryan Seacrest showed his nooky tanned face on the screen. Robert Clive looked a bit like Seacrest. blond hair. highlighting. Short. Perfect grin. Extremely nice and cultivated and tempt and good story. He had always been afters to me. A very gentleman's gentleman, actually. I hated that guy.

I poured myself a orotund chicken feed of liquid poison. When I say I am not a vodka guy, I mean that. I never drank it straight. It smelled like rubbing alcohol. Still, I had a destructive streak that was pointing right at my liver and stomach. I tried to ignore the smell and took a big gulp.

My oesophagus was still burning when my cell rang. It was 8:03 p.m. I thought about ignoring it, but I glanced at the caller ID. Anna.

"Hello ?"

"Is this a bad fourth dimension ?"she asked. She sounded distant.

"No. Why ? You OK ?"

"Um …"her part cracked. I could separate she was choking back bout."I, uh. Are you home ? Are you out ?"

"I'm base. What's up Anna ?"

"Could you … pluck me up ? I mean, I hate to ask. It's just. Clive he, uh … we had a fight. You know ? I just call for to get rest home and I left my debit card at home and I can't get a cab and I don't have anyone …"

"No, shh. Look, it's poise. Where are you ? I will leave now."

***

Anna did not talk much on the way home, just a few thank yous. By the time we got back to the apartment, it was a little after 10. She looked stunning, even with her makeup running down her cheeks. Her smashed green clothes hugged her curvature. I felt underdressed, what with my jean and a t-shirt.

She went back to her room, only to reemerge a little before 12. Her fuzz was up, makeup off. She wore her cow PJs and a tight T. I wanted to buss her. It was the outfit she wore the second Night we were together.

She sat down beside me on the sofa. She had a wine crank in her hand and motioned toward my bottle of vodka, which I had not touched since we had gotten back."May I ?"

She filled her glass up and sank back, her invertebrate foot curled under her. Her optic were red, but she was no longer crying.

"Do you want to talk ?"I asked.

"No,"she said."Yes. Maybe. God. You probably think I'm such a fucking idiot."

"No. No I don't. I won't."

"First my husband, now Baron Clive of Plassey. I must have a special attracter to assholes."

"What did he do ?"

"It turns out he wasn't visiting his parents in Colorado over the weekend … but his wife. She called when he was in the lavatory, and I picked up his cellular phone. She was as surprised to see out about me as I was to find oneself out about her."

"Wow,"I said.

"Yeah, well. Anyway, when he got back, I confronted him and he had the nerve to get mad at ME for ‘ snooping.'He left me there at the club. No money. No ride. Fucking Clive."

She slipped slowly at her drink, grimacing with every swallow.

"And the thing is … I KNEW it. I knew he was a lying serpent. I sensed it. I tried to block it out. There was just something so … fake about him. I don't know. Something phony. God."

"He looked like Ryan Seacrest."

Anna looked at me. variety of stared. Then a snort. Then a full-of-the-moon jest. I started laughing, too. She spilt a piddling of her drinking on herself and laughed more than. We were both doubled over.

"God,"she said, wiping the bust away."You are right. I was dating Ryan Seacrest ! I am such an idiot. Jesus."

"Anna, you are being too hard on yourself …"

"Stop."

"I mean it. Look, you WANT to fuck someone. You want to so badly that you ignore the bad things. There are bad qualities."

"Like what ?"

"Like NOT wanting love. Like being closed off. Like giving up on Leslie Townes Hope and destiny and all that other faery tale stuff and nonsense. Listen, you should never be ashamed about your desire to be happy and to desire the best in others. We live in a cynical world. We need more ‘ you,'less ‘ them.'”

She smiled and curled up beside me, resting her head on my shoulder."You are a good Friend,"she said. My heart sank. I was such a sucker. It was five money box midnight.

We watched meter Square on TV in secretiveness, Anna taking the occasional sip from her wine glass. Her point stayed on my shoulder. We watched the countdown, the happy faces screaming and shouting. When the clock ticked one secondment, Anna turned and gently grabbed my drumhead, kissing me, tenderly. I had kissed her before, but nil was like this. It was sweet and appease and packed with meaning. For me.

She pulled away and bit her lip, her hired man caressing my cheek. She put down her wine glass and started to motivate, straddling me.

"No,"I said, jumping up and hopping across the room."No. No."

"What's ill-timed ?"she asked.

"You can't do that."

"Sorry."

"It's not fair."

"What ?"

"THAT. Again."

"What ? osculate you ? I thought you liked that ? We're booster. It's OK …"

"screwing Anna. We are NOT friends. We're not. I mean, we are. But … you HAVE to love I love you, right ? I mean, you are a smart girl. You are fucking brilliant. You KNOW I love you. I've never said it, but you know. You know !"

"Tom …"

"Don't say it, Anna. Don't say we're friends. I can't need it."

bout were in her eyes again. I couldn't look at her. I felt myself welling up."But we are."

"Why, Anna ? Why Robert Clive and all the others but not me ? Huh ? Why not me ? You want someone to lie with you and treat you right and be there for you ? It's me. It has always been ME."

Anna took another sip of her vodka, running her hand through her whisker and pinning it back. I looked at her, briefly. I could not sustain a gaze. I was embarrassed at my emotions. I was afraid I had changed everything.

"I know you roll in the hay me,"she said."I'm not blind."

"Then why ? Huh ? Why not me ? Why not us ?"

"I can't …"

"piece of ass, Anna. You can. You owe me an explanation."

"Tom …"

"You have never been afraid to say what you feel. Don't starting signal now."

"I guess I was afraid that if I lost you, then I would have no one left. And I am selfish. OK ? I am the asshole."

I moved to her, sinking on the couch. I folded my hands across my chest.

"Anna, you ARE going to turn a loss me. I am not doing this anymore. I need you in my lifespan, but I can't sit back and lookout you date guy after guy. Marry them. Then come to me with your problems. I can't. I know I can be the man for you. I know I can leave you what you want. And I can't sit back and watch this parade of nonstarter. I can't be your safety net."

"I know."

I covered my centre with my hand, rubbing them. I had not cried since Tommy Craig punched me in the nose in eighth level. I brushed the hair back, off my forehead. It felt heavy in the room.

"I am distressing to do this tonight, Anna."

"No …"

"I could've waited."

"Don't apologize. I should."

Anna reached out, taking my handwriting again. She pulled it to her chest, against her heart. I turned to look at her."buss me,"she said."osculation me. Let's flesh the remainder out later. I promise. I want this. please ?"

I swallowed hard. Anna was a dolophine hydrochloride. She hated pain in the neck in people. I wasn't surely if this was really or her way of healing a lesion. But I was weak. I leaned in and kissed her.

I have had sex tons, but I am not for certain I had ever made beloved to someone. I had never connected with someone on a primordial level. But I did with Anna that night. It was gentle and raw and emotional. On my lounge. As Ryan Seacrest radius in the background.

I stripped her clothes off and gazed at her, drinking her in. She gently stroked my putz as I wrapped her peg around me. I eased into her, slipping my arm around her waist so I could root for her tight against me. It was the low fourth dimension I had been completely inside of her. I tried to make the second last.

Our physical structure responded to each former. When she thrusted, I pumped. When I pumped, she squeezed. Her lips never left mine. I could taste the salt from her tears on her lip. Her lingua was belligerent but soothing. When she came, she sank her nails into my back and kissed me hard. She said my name and I froze inside of her, fucking her gently as she rose and fell.

I was closed. I asked her where she wanted me to cum. She said inside of her. She said she was on the anovulatory drug. I looked at her as I got close, pulling my head back so I could see her eyes. She stared back. We connected. I smiled slightly. So did she. A grin of realization. I kissed her as I came, my rooster exploding into the abyss of felicity and contentment.

Afterwards, we lay on my couch, wrapped in a blanket. Her legs wrapped around mine, her head on my breast and her fingers playfully running through my hair.

"I think this changes everything,"she said, looking up at me.

"I am OK with that,"I said, still not fully capable to look at her."Are you ?"

She smiled."Yes,"she said.

"And I'm sorry,"she said, a few seconds later.

"Why ?"

"I was selfish. I was a bad friend."

I smiled, my brain raced. I squeezed her and pulled her tight."It's OK,"I said .