Anna was going to stay with me for a month, but that calendar month turned into two. Then three. Now the new yr was approaching, and she had not left yet. I did not care, of course, as I was madly in honey with her, but the doubt had consumed me. Was she a roomie ? Friend ? Lover ? more than ?

The clip to deliver"the talk"was that first week, after she blew me twice. But we did not. She blew me a few Thomas More times, and I ate her out, and yet we never really discussed the item of our kinship. Anna did not seem to mind - she clearly did not want it defined - and I pretended not to as well, though it killed me.

Then the window closed. She met Robert Clive at a swap meet in too soon November. They went on a appointment. Then two. Then three. Soon she was no foresighted sleeping in my bed, and we were certainly not fooling around. She did not even come dwelling house a few nights a hebdomad. Fucking Clive.

We'd still hang out, and she'd say affair like,"God, you're such a great guy. You deserve to run into someone."It killed me. I DID deserve it, she was right. And I had met her. Unfortunately, she had met Clive. Fucking Clive.

By December she was talking about finalizing the divorce from her hubby and finding her own place in the new year. She was very vindicated that she felt like she was a gist to me, and that she"owed it to me"to get out. I was JUST as clear that I didn't upkeep. But I knew it wasn't really about me. It was about her. And fucking Clive.

I felt like I had a guess at Christmas. Clive was going to his parent's home in Colorado. Anna was driving to meet him on Dec. 26, but she had no program for Christmastide day. I blew my own parents off and pretended I, too, had zippo to do. I suggested we stay in and imbibe wine and watch TV. She agreed.

I knew the gift I got her was significant. I mean, just getting her a present was not enough. I needed a statement. There's a difference between a Quaker gift and a lover gift. I wanted to get her a buff gift. I wanted a eff message to be sent in big, bold, capital, thank-the-baby-Jesus letter. No doubt. No confusion.

I got her a pair of diamond earrings. It was the kind of matter she'd never get herself. I wrote a speech, too. I had facts on how long it takes a diamond to be formed, and how charge and precision and luck had to be exactly right for it to come about. It was a miracle, really. And just as miraculous, I segued, was how much she meant to me. I explained that I had loved her for most of my life, and I wanted to show her how special she was. I had this memorized and tucked in my pocket, in case I stumbled. It was my second. I didn't want it to go wrong.

BBBBUUUTTTTT … just in grammatical case, you know, I got a guard natural endowment : lovesome socks.

So on Christmastime day, we were finished with bottleful two. She got that happy-kid grin on her cheek and said she had gotten me a give. I told her I had gotten her one, too. She asked if I wanted it now. I said yes. She smiled big and popped up and ran in her room. She was giddy. I grabbed her two gifts and put them behind my back, under the shock, almost sure I would gift her the lover endowment, BBBBUUUTTTT … just in casing, I put the socks back there, too.

Five minutes later, she came back to the living elbow room, tears streaking down her expression. Robert Clive had hidden a picayune engrossed box in her nightstand. She had just found it. It was a pair of pin-up diamond earrings. She glided around the room, calling him on her prison cell to secern him how a good deal she loved them. I swallowed my spit. FUCKING CLIVE.

I opened my giving : A $ 40 endowment card to GameStop. I gave her the socks. I had lost the fight, the engagement and the war.

***

I had very specific plan for New twelvemonth's Eve : I was going to drink heavily. This is how heavily : I went to the hard drink depot and bought a fifth of vodka. As I was about to go over out, I looked at the 70-proof bottle of chinchy hooch and though,"Hmm, is this enough ?"I bought two. And I don't even drink vodka.

I really wanted to opprobrious out before Ryan Seacrest showed his fucking tanned grimace on the sieve. Clive looked a bit like Seacrest. blond whisker. Highlights. shortstop. Perfect grin. Extremely nice and polite and magic and funny. He had always been sweet to me. A real gentleman's gentleman, actually. I hated that guy.

I poured myself a with child trash of liquid poison. When I say I am not a vodka guy, I mean that. I never drank it straight. It smelled like rubbing alcoholic beverage. Still, I had a destructive streak that was pointing right at my liver and abdomen. I tried to dismiss the smell and took a big gulp.

My oesophagus was still burning when my mobile phone rang. It was 8:03 p.m. I thought about ignoring it, but I glanced at the caller ID. Anna.

"Hello ?"

"Is this a bad time ?"she asked. She sounded distant.

"No. Why ? You OK ?"

"Um …"her vocalism cracked. I could tell she was choking back bust."I, uh. Are you home ? Are you out ?"

"I'm home. What's up Anna ?"

"Could you … foot me up ? I mean, I hate to ask. It's just. Clive he, uh … we had a fight. You know ? I just postulate to get home plate and I left my debit circuit card at home and I can't get a cab and I don't have anyone …"

"No, shh. Look, it's cool. Where are you ? I will get out now."

***

Anna did not speak much on the way nursing home, just a few thank yous. By the time we got back to the flat, it was a little after 10. She looked stunning, even with her war paint running down her cheeks. Her tight green dress hugged her bender. I felt underdressed, what with my denim and a t-shirt.

She went back to her room, only to reemerge a footling before 12. Her haircloth was up, makeup off. She wore her cow PJs and a tight T. I wanted to kiss her. It was the outfit she wore the second night we were together.

She sat down beside me on the sofa. She had a vino glass in her hand and motioned toward my bottle of vodka, which I had not touched since we had gotten back."May I ?"

She filled her glass up and sank back, her feet curled under her. Her eyes were red, but she was no longer crying.

"Do you want to talk ?"I asked.

"No,"she said."Yes. Maybe. God. You probably think I'm such a ass idiot."

"No. No I don't. I won't."

"First my husband, now Clive. I must have a special attractiveness to assholes."

"What did he do ?"

"It turns out he wasn't visiting his parents in Colorado over the weekend … but his wife. She called when he was in the lavatory, and I picked up his cubicle. She was as surprise to discover out about me as I was to found out about her."

"Wow,"I said.

"Yeah, well. Anyway, when he got back, I confronted him and he had the nerve to get mad at ME for ‘ snooping.'He left me there at the club. No money. No ride. Fucking Clive."

She slipped slowly at her drinkable, grimacing with every swallow.

"And the affair is … I KNEW it. I knew he was a lying serpent. I sensed it. I tried to obturate it out. There was just something so … fake about him. I don't know. Something phoney. God."

"He looked like Ryan Seacrest."

Anna looked at me. sort of stared. Then a boo. Then a full phase of the moon gag. I started laughing, too. She spilt a slight of her drink on herself and laughed more. We were both twofold over.

"God,"she said, wiping the tears away."You are right. I was dating Ryan Seacrest ! I am such an changeling. Jesus."

"Anna, you are being too hard on yourself …"

"Stop."

"I mean it. Look, you WANT to eff someone. You want to so badly that you ignore the bad things. There are speculative qualities."

"Like what ?"

"Like NOT wanting love. Like being closed off. Like giving up on hope and destiny and all that other fay tale stuff. Listen, you should never be ashamed about your desire to be happy and to want the advantageously in others. We live in a cynical earth. We need more ‘ you,'LE ‘ them.'”

She smiled and curled up beside me, resting her head on my shoulder."You are a trade good friend,"she said. My heart sank. I was such a sucker. It was five till midnight.

We watched time foursquare on TV in silence, Anna taking the occasional sip from her wine glass. Her head stayed on my berm. We watched the countdown, the happy faces screeching and shouting. When the clock ticked one second, Anna turned and gently grabbed my mind, kissing me, tenderly. I had kissed her before, but nothing was like this. It was perfumed and gentle and packed with meaning. For me.

She pulled away and bit her lip, her paw caressing my cheek. She put down her vino chicken feed and started to run, straddling me.

"No,"I said, jumping up and hopping across the elbow room."No. No."

"What's wrong ?"she asked.

"You can't do that."

"Sorry."

"It's not fair."

"What ?"

"THAT. Again."

"What ? snog you ? I thought you liked that ? We're champion. It's OK …"

"FUCK Anna. We are NOT friends. We're not. I mean, we are. But … you HAVE to sleep together I love you, right ? I mean, you are a smart fille. You are fucking brilliant. You KNOW I love you. I've never said it, but you know. You know !"

"Tom …"

"Don't say it, Anna. Don't say we're Friend. I can't hold it."

Tears were in her eyes again. I couldn't expression at her. I felt myself welling up."But we are."

"Why, Anna ? Why Clive and all the others but not me ? Huh ? Why not me ? You want someone to love you and handle you right and be there for you ? It's me. It has always been ME."

Anna took another sip of her vodka, running her paw through her fuzz and pinning it back. I looked at her, briefly. I could not sustain a regard. I was embarrassed at my emotions. I was afraid I had changed everything.

"I know you love me,"she said."I'm not blind."

"Then why ? Huh ? Why not me ? Why not us ?"

"I can't …"

"shtup, Anna. You can. You owe me an explanation."

"Tom …"

"You have never been afraid to say what you feel. Don't start now."

"I guess I was afraid that if I lost you, then I would sustain no one left. And I am selfish. OK ? I am the asshole."

I moved to her, sinking on the couch. I folded my hands across my chest.

"Anna, you ARE going to miss me. I am not doing this anymore. I need you in my life, but I can't sit back and picket you date guy after guy. Marry them. Then come to me with your trouble. I can't. I know I can be the man for you. I know I can give you what you want. And I can't sit back and watch this parade of losers. I can't be your safety net."

"I know."

I covered my eyes with my hired man, rubbing them. I had not cried since Tommy Craig punched me in the olfactory organ in eighth grade. I brushed the hair back, off my forehead. It felt operose in the room.

"I am sorry to do this tonight, Anna."

"No …"

"I could've waited."

"Don't apologize. I should."

Anna reached out, taking my helping hand again. She pulled it to her chest, against her heart. I turned to count at her."Kiss me,"she said."Kiss me. Let's material body the rest out later. I promise. I want this. delight ?"

I swallowed hard. Anna was a fixer. She hated pain in people. I wasn't sure if this was rattling or her way of healing a wound. But I was fallible. I leaned in and kissed her.

I have had sex lots, but I am not indisputable I had ever made love to person. I had never connected with person on a central storey. But I did with Anna that Night. It was gruntle and raw and emotional. On my lounge. As Ryan Seacrest wheel spoke in the background.

I stripped her clothes off and gazed at her, drinking her in. She gently stroked my prick as I wrapped her legs around me. I eased into her, slipping my arms around her waist so I could pluck her tight against me. It was the get-go time I had been completely inside of her. I tried to make the moment last.

Our eubstance responded to each other. When she thrusted, I pumped. When I pumped, she squeezed. Her lips never left mine. I could try out the SALT from her tear on her lips. Her glossa was aggressive but soothing. When she came, she sank her nails into my back and kissed me hard. She said my name and I froze inside of her, fucking her gently as she rose and fell.

I was closed. I asked her where she wanted me to cum. She said inside of her. She said she was on the pill. I looked at her as I got close, pulling my head back so I could see her eyes. She stared back. We connected. I smiled slightly. So did she. A grin of realisation. I kissed her as I came, my cock exploding into the abyss of happiness and contentment.

Afterwards, we lay on my lounge, wrapped in a blanket. Her legs wrapped around mine, her head on my chest of drawers and her fingers playfully running through my hair.

"I think this changes everything,"she said, looking up at me.

"I am OK with that,"I said, still not fully able to face at her."Are you ?"

She smiled."Yes,"she said.

"And I'm sorry,"she said, a few seconds later.

"Why ?"

"I was selfish. I was a bad friend."

I smiled, my mind raced. I squeezed her and pulled her tight."It's OK,"I said .