Anna was going to stay with me for a month, but that month turned into two. Then three. Now the new year was approaching, and she had not left yet. I did not wish, of form, as I was madly in love with her, but the dubiousness had consumed me. Was she a roommate ? Friend ? fan ? Sir Thomas More ?

The meter to take"the talk"was that first calendar week, after she blew me twice. But we did not. She blew me a few more times, and I ate her out, and yet we never really discussed the details of our human relationship. Anna did not seem to mind - she clearly did not want it defined - and I pretended not to as well, though it killed me.

Then the window closed. She met Clive at a trade meet in early November. They went on a date. Then two. Then three. Soon she was no longsighted sleeping in my bed, and we were certainly not fooling around. She did not even come home base a few nights a week. Fucking Clive.

We'd still hang out, and she'd say things like,"God, you're such a great guy. You deserve to run across someone."It killed me. I DID deserve it, she was right. And I had met her. Unfortunately, she had met Clive. Fucking Clive.

By Dec she was talking about finalizing the divorce from her husband and finding her own place in the new year. She was very sort out that she felt like she was a gist to me, and that she"owed it to me"to get out. I was JUST as clear that I didn't care. But I knew it wasn't really about me. It was about her. And fucking Clive.

I felt like I had a shot at Yule. Clive was going to his parent's home plate in Colorado. Anna was driving to fulfill him on Dec. 26, but she had no architectural plan for Christmastide day. I blew my own parents off and pretended I, too, had aught to do. I suggested we stay in and drink wine and watch TV. She agreed.

I knew the gift I got her was significant. I mean, just getting her a present was not enough. I needed a statement. There's a difference between a friend talent and a lover talent. I wanted to get her a lover talent. I wanted a make love subject matter to be sent in big, bold, Washington, thank-the-baby-Jesus letters. No doubt. No confusion.

I got her a twosome of diamond earrings. It was the variety of thing she'd never get herself. I wrote a actor's line, too. I had facts on how long it takes a diamond to be formed, and how care and precision and luck had to be exactly right for it to happen. It was a miracle, really. And just as miraculous, I segued, was how much she meant to me. I explained that I had loved her for to the highest degree of my life, and I wanted to record her how special she was. I had this memorized and tucked in my pocket, in case I stumbled. It was my second. I didn't want it to go wrong.

BBBBUUUTTTTT … just in case, you know, I got a safety gift : quick socks.

So on Xmas day, we were finished with bottleful two. She got that happy-kid grin on her face and said she had gotten me a present. I told her I had gotten her one, too. She asked if I wanted it now. I said yes. She smiled big and popped up and ran in her room. She was dizzy. I grabbed her two gifts and put them behind my back, under the cushion, almost sure I would give her the lover gift, BBBBUUUTTTT … just in guinea pig, I put the windsock back there, too.

Five minute later, she came back to the living room, tears streaking down her face. Clive had hidden a short wrapped box in her nightstand. She had just found it. It was a dyad of adorable diamond earrings. She glided around the room, calling him on her cubicle to order him how much she loved them. I swallowed my lingua. shtup CLIVE.

I opened my gift : A $ 40 gift card to GameStop. I gave her the wind sleeve. I had lost the fight, the battle and the war.

***

I had very specific plans for New Year's Eve : I was going to drink heavily. This is how heavily : I went to the liquor memory and bought a fifth part of vodka. As I was about to check out, I looked at the 70-proof bottle of loud hooch and though,"Hmm, is this enough ?"I bought two. And I don't even drink vodka.

I really wanted to black out before Ryan Seacrest showed his shtup tanned face on the screenland. Clive looked a bit like Seacrest. blond hair. Highlights. shortstop. perfective tense smile. Extremely nice and cultivated and charming and funny. He had always been sweet to me. A existent gentleman, actually. I hated that guy.

I poured myself a large glass of liquid poison. When I say I am not a vodka guy, I mean that. I never drank it straight. It smelled like rubbing alcohol. Still, I had a destructive streak that was pointing right at my liver and stomach. I tried to disregard the smell and took a big gulp.

My esophagus was still burning when my cell rang. It was 8:03 p.m. I thought about ignoring it, but I glanced at the caller ID. Anna.

"hi ?"

"Is this a bad time ?"she asked. She sounded distant.

"No. Why ? You OK ?"

"Um …"her vocalization cracked. I could tell she was choking back tears."I, uh. Are you home base ? Are you out ?"

"I'm menage. What's up Anna ?"

"Could you … pick me up ? I mean, I hate to ask. It's just. Clive he, uh … we had a fight. You know ? I just involve to get plate and I left my debit identity card at home and I can't get a cab and I don't have anyone …"

"No, shh. looking at, it's cool. Where are you ? I will leave now."

***

Anna did not talk much on the way home, just a few thank yous. By the time we got back to the flat, it was a footling after 10. She looked stunning, even with her makeup running down her cheeks. Her tight common dress hugged her curve. I felt underdressed, what with my jean and a t-shirt.

She went back to her room, only to reemerge a little before 12. Her hair's-breadth was up, makeup off. She wore her cow PJs and a sozzled T. I wanted to snog her. It was the rig she wore the second night we were together.

She sat down beside me on the lounge. She had a wine glass in her hand and motioned toward my bottle of vodka, which I had not touched since we had gotten back."May I ?"

She filled her chicken feed up and sank back, her feet curled under her. Her eyes were red, but she was no longer crying.

"Do you want to verbalise ?"I asked.

"No,"she said."Yes. Maybe. God. You probably think I'm such a nooky idiot."

"No. No I don't. I won't."

"number one my husband, now Clive. I must have a particular attraction to assholes."

"What did he do ?"

"It turns out he wasn't visiting his parents in Centennial State over the weekend … but his wife. She called when he was in the toilet, and I picked up his cell. She was as storm to notice out about me as I was to found out about her."

"Wow,"I said.

"Yeah, well. Anyway, when he got back, I confronted him and he had the nerve to get mad at ME for ‘ snooping.'He left me there at the order. No money. No ride. Fucking Clive."

She slipped slowly at her drunkenness, grimacing with every swallow.

"And the thing is … I KNEW it. I knew he was a lying snake. I sensed it. I tried to stop it out. There was just something so … fake about him. I don't know. Something fake. God."

"He looked like Ryan Seacrest."

Anna looked at me. sorting of stared. Then a Bronx cheer. Then a full joke. I started laughing, too. She spilt a niggling of her drink on herself and laughed more. We were both doubled over.

"God,"she said, wiping the rent away."You are right. I was dating Ryan Seacrest ! I am such an changeling. Jesus."

"Anna, you are being too hard on yourself …"

"Stop."

"I mean it. take care, you WANT to make out somebody. You want to so badly that you ignore the bad affair. There are worse qualities."

"Like what ?"

"Like NOT wanting love. Like being closed off. Like giving up on hope and destiny and all that other poof tale stuff. Listen, you should never be ashamed about your desire to be happy and to want the beneficial in others. We live in a cynical Earth. We need more ‘ you,'less ‘ them.'”

She smiled and curled up beside me, resting her head on my shoulder."You are a good friend,"she said. My heart sank. I was such a sucker. It was five till midnight.

We watched clip square on TV in silence, Anna taking the occasional sip from her wine glass. Her headspring stayed on my shoulder. We watched the countdown, the well-chosen faces screaming and yelling. When the clock ticked one minute, Anna turned and gently grabbed my head, kissing me, tenderly. I had kissed her before, but zero was like this. It was angelic and placate and packed with meaning. For me.

She pulled away and bit her lip, her hand caressing my face. She put down her wine-colored looking glass and started to motivate, straddling me.

"No,"I said, jumping up and hopping across the way."No. No."

"What's amiss ?"she asked.

"You can't do that."

"Sorry."

"It's not fair."

"What ?"

"THAT. Again."

"What ? kiss you ? I thought you liked that ? We're friends. It's OK …"

"FUCK Anna. We are NOT friends. We're not. I mean, we are. But … you HAVE to have intercourse I love you, right ? I mean, you are a smart girl. You are fucking brilliant. You KNOW I love you. I've never said it, but you know. You know !"

"Tom …"

"Don't say it, Anna. Don't say we're friends. I can't consider it."

Tears were in her eye again. I couldn't facial expression at her. I felt myself welling up."But we are."

"Why, Anna ? Why Baron Clive of Plassey and all the others but not me ? Huh ? Why not me ? You want someone to love you and do by you right and be there for you ? It's me. It has always been ME."

Anna took another sip of her vodka, running her paw through her whisker and pinning it back. I looked at her, briefly. I could not sustain a gaze. I was embarrassed at my emotions. I was afraid I had changed everything.

"I know you love me,"she said."I'm not blind."

"Then why ? Huh ? Why not me ? Why not us ?"

"I can't …"

"screw, Anna. You can. You owe me an explanation."

"Tom …"

"You have never been afraid to say what you feel. Don't start now."

"I guess I was afraid that if I lost you, then I would have no one left. And I am selfish. OK ? I am the asshole."

I moved to her, sinking on the couch. I folded my hands across my chest.

"Anna, you ARE going to lose me. I am not doing this anymore. I need you in my life, but I can't sit back and picket you engagement guy after guy. Marry them. Then come to me with your problems. I can't. I know I can be the man for you. I know I can give you what you want. And I can't sit back and learn this parade of losers. I can't be your safety net."

"I know."

I covered my oculus with my hand, rubbing them. I had not cried since Tommy Craig punched me in the nose in 8th grade. I brushed the hair back, off my forehead. It felt ponderous in the room.

"I am dingy to do this tonight, Anna."

"No …"

"I could've waited."

"Don't apologize. I should."

Anna reached out, taking my script again. She pulled it to her chest, against her heart. I turned to seem at her."Kiss me,"she said."Kiss me. Let's soma the rest out later. I promise. I want this. please ?"

I swallowed hard. Anna was a fixer. She hated pain in the neck in mass. I wasn't sure if this was real or her way of healing a wound. But I was weak. I leaned in and kissed her.

I have had sex lots, but I am not sure I had ever made passion to person. I had never connected with person on a primal level. But I did with Anna that night. It was gentle and raw and excited. On my couch. As Ryan Seacrest rundle in the background.

I stripped her wearing apparel off and gazed at her, drinking her in. She gently stroked my rooster as I wrapped her legs around me. I eased into her, slipping my branch around her waistline so I could root for her tight against me. It was the first time I had been completely inside of her. I tried to pass water the import last.

Our soundbox responded to each other. When she thrusted, I pumped. When I pumped, she squeezed. Her lip never left mine. I could smack the SALT from her tears on her lips. Her tongue was aggressive but soothing. When she came, she sank her nails into my backbone and kissed me heavy. She said my gens and I froze inside of her, fucking her gently as she rose and fell.

I was closed. I asked her where she wanted me to cum. She said inside of her. She said she was on the pill. I looked at her as I got close, pulling my point back so I could see her eyes. She stared back. We connected. I smiled slightly. So did she. A grin of recognition. I kissed her as I came, my cock exploding into the abyss of happiness and contentment.

Afterwards, we lay on my lounge, wrapped in a cover. Her peg wrapped around mine, her nous on my chest and her fingers playfully running through my hair.

"I think this alteration everything,"she said, looking up at me.

"I am OK with that,"I said, still not fully able to depend at her."Are you ?"

She smiled."Yes,"she said.

"And I'm sorry,"she said, a few bit later.

"Why ?"

"I was selfish. I was a bad friend."

I smiled, my mind raced. I squeezed her and pulled her tight."It's OK,"I said .