Anna was going to stay with me for a month, but that month turned into two. Then three. Now the new year was approaching, and she had not left yet. I did not like, of course of study, as I was madly in dear with her, but the question had consumed me. Was she a roomy ? Friend ? lover ? more ?

The prison term to have"the talk"was that first week, after she blew me twice. But we did not. She blew me a few more fourth dimension, and I ate her out, and yet we never really discussed the details of our relationship. Anna did not seem to mind - she clearly did not require it defined - and I pretended not to as well, though it killed me.

Then the window closed. She met Clive at a swap meet in too soon Nov. They went on a date. Then two. Then three. Soon she was no long sleeping in my bed, and we were certainly not fooling around. She did not even come home a few dark a calendar week. Fucking Clive.

We'd still hang out, and she'd say thing like,"God, you're such a great guy. You deserve to contact someone."It killed me. I DID merit it, she was right. And I had met her. Unfortunately, she had met Clive. Fucking Clive.

By Dec she was talking about finalizing the divorcement from her husband and finding her own place in the new year. She was very clear that she felt like she was a burden to me, and that she"owed it to me"to get out. I was JUST as assoil that I didn't tutelage. But I knew it wasn't really about me. It was about her. And fucking Clive.

I felt like I had a shot at Christmas. Clive was going to his parent's home in Colorado. Anna was driving to take on him on Dec. 26, but she had no design for Yuletide day. I blew my own parents off and pretended I, too, had nothing to do. I suggested we stay in and drink wine-colored and sentry TV. She agreed.

I knew the gift I got her was crucial. I mean, just getting her a present was not enough. I needed a affirmation. There's a difference between a Quaker gift and a lover gift. I wanted to get her a fan gift. I wanted a blinking message to be sent in big, bold, cap, thank-the-baby-Jesus letters. No doubt. No confusion.

I got her a span of diamond earrings. It was the kind of matter she'd never get herself. I wrote a oral communication, too. I had facts on how longsighted it takes a diamond to be formed, and how care and precision and luck had to be exactly right for it to happen. It was a miracle, really. And just as miraculous, I segued, was how much she meant to me. I explained that I had loved her for most of my life, and I wanted to show her how exceptional she was. I had this memorized and tucked in my pocket, in case I stumbled. It was my here and now. I didn't want it to go wrong.

BBBBUUUTTTTT … just in cause, you know, I got a refuge natural endowment : Warm socks.

So on Yule day, we were finished with bottle two. She got that happy-kid grin on her typeface and said she had gotten me a present. I told her I had gotten her one, too. She asked if I wanted it now. I said yes. She smiled big and popped up and ran in her room. She was giddy. I grabbed her two gifts and put them behind my back, under the shock, almost sure I would give her the lover gift, BBBBUUUTTTT … just in case, I put the wind cone back there, too.

fivesome arcminute later, she came back to the living way, tears streaking down her face. Baron Clive of Plassey had hidden a little clothed box in her nightstand. She had just found it. It was a pair of lovely diamond earrings. She glided around the room, calling him on her prison cell to tell him how very much she loved them. I swallowed my clapper. FUCKING CLIVE.

I opened my gift : A $ 40 gift card to GameStop. I gave her the socks. I had lost the fight, the battle and the war.

***

I had very specific architectural plan for New class's Eve : I was going to drink heavily. This is how heavily : I went to the liquor entrepot and bought a fifth of vodka. As I was about to retard out, I looked at the 70-proof feeding bottle of tatty hooch and though,"Hmm, is this enough ?"I bought two. And I don't even drink vodka.

I really wanted to black out before Ryan Seacrest showed his screwing tanned cheek on the screen. Clive looked a bit like Seacrest. blond tomentum. Highlights. shortstop. perfective tense smile. Extremely nice and polite and catch and funny. He had always been sweetness to me. A actual valet, actually. I hated that guy.

I poured myself a declamatory Methedrine of liquid poison. When I say I am not a vodka guy, I mean that. I never drank it straight. It smelled like rubbing alcohol. Still, I had a destructive streak that was pointing right at my liver and stomach. I tried to brush aside the aroma and took a big gulp.

My esophagus was still burning when my cell rang. It was 8:03 p.m. I thought about ignoring it, but I glanced at the caller-up ID. Anna.

"howdy ?"

"Is this a bad time ?"she asked. She sounded distant.

"No. Why ? You OK ?"

"Um …"her part cracked. I could tell she was choking back tears."I, uh. Are you dwelling house ? Are you out ?"

"I'm home. What's up Anna ?"

"Could you … pick me up ? I mean, I hate to ask. It's just. Baron Clive of Plassey he, uh … we had a engagement. You know ? I just need to get family and I left my debit board at dwelling house and I can't get a cab and I don't have anyone …"

"No, shh. feeling, it's sang-froid. Where are you ? I will leave now."

***

Anna did not talk much on the way home, just a few thank yous. By the time we got back to the apartment, it was a little after 10. She looked stunning, even with her makeup running down her impertinence. Her closely green attire hugged her bend. I felt dress down, what with my denim and a t-shirt.

She went back to her room, only to reemerge a little before 12. Her hair was up, makeup off. She wore her cow PJs and a tight T. I wanted to kiss her. It was the outfit she wore the secondly dark we were together.

She sat down beside me on the couch. She had a wine-coloured glass in her hired man and motioned toward my bottleful of vodka, which I had not touched since we had gotten back."May I ?"

She filled her field glass up and sank back, her metrical foot curled under her. Her eyes were red, but she was no thirster crying.

"Do you want to verbalize ?"I asked.

"No,"she said."Yes. Maybe. God. You probably think I'm such a fucking idiot."

"No. No I don't. I won't."

"offset my hubby, now Clive. I must have a special attractive feature to assholes."

"What did he do ?"

"It turns out he wasn't visiting his parents in Colorado over the weekend … but his wife. She called when he was in the bathroom, and I picked up his cell. She was as surprised to receive out about me as I was to find out about her."

"Wow,"I said.

"Yeah, well. Anyway, when he got back, I confronted him and he had the boldness to get mad at ME for ‘ snooping.'He left me there at the golf-club. No money. No ride. Fucking Clive."

She slipped slowly at her boozing, grimacing with every swallow.

"And the thing is … I KNEW it. I knew he was a lie snake. I sensed it. I tried to block it out. There was just something so … fake about him. I don't know. Something hypocrite. God."

"He looked like Ryan Seacrest."

Anna looked at me. sorting of stared. Then a snort. Then a full jest. I started laughing, too. She spilt a niggling of her drink on herself and laughed more. We were both doubled over.

"God,"she said, wiping the bout away."You are properly. I was dating Ryan Seacrest ! I am such an moron. Jesus."

"Anna, you are being too hard on yourself …"

"Stop."

"I mean it. take care, you WANT to fuck soul. You want to so badly that you ignore the bad matter. There are risky qualities."

"Like what ?"

"Like NOT wanting love. Like being closed off. Like giving up on Leslie Townes Hope and destiny and all that other poof tale stuff. Listen, you should never be ashamed about your desire to be happy and to want the best in others. We live in a cynical world. We need More ‘ you,'less ‘ them.'”

She smiled and curled up beside me, resting her head on my shoulder."You are a good friend,"she said. My heart sank. I was such a soft touch. It was five till midnight.

We watched meter Square on TV in silence, Anna taking the episodic sip from her wine deoxyephedrine. Her school principal stayed on my shoulder. We watched the countdown, the happy faces screaming and yelling. When the clock ticked one sec, Anna turned and gently grabbed my head, kissing me, tenderly. I had kissed her before, but goose egg was like this. It was sweet and placate and jam with signification. For me.

She pulled away and bit her lip, her paw caressing my buttock. She put down her wine chicken feed and started to move, straddling me.

"No,"I said, jumping up and hopping across the elbow room."No. No."

"What's faulty ?"she asked.

"You can't do that."

"Sorry."

"It's not fair."

"What ?"

"THAT. Again."

"What ? Kiss you ? I thought you liked that ? We're Friend. It's OK …"

"FUCK Anna. We are NOT Friend. We're not. I mean, we are. But … you HAVE to know I love you, right ? I mean, you are a chic girl. You are fucking brilliant. You KNOW I love you. I've never said it, but you know. You know !"

"Tom …"

"Don't say it, Anna. Don't say we're booster. I can't subscribe it."

Tears were in her oculus again. I couldn't spirit at her. I felt myself welling up."But we are."

"Why, Anna ? Why Clive and all the others but not me ? Huh ? Why not me ? You want someone to love you and care for you veracious and be there for you ? It's me. It has always been ME."

Anna took another sip of her vodka, running her hand through her hair and pinning it back. I looked at her, briefly. I could not sustain a regard. I was embarrassed at my emotions. I was afraid I had changed everything.

"I know you love me,"she said."I'm not blind."

"Then why ? Huh ? Why not me ? Why not us ?"

"I can't …"

"fuck, Anna. You can. You owe me an explanation."

"Tom …"

"You have never been afraid to say what you feel. Don't start now."

"I guess I was afraid that if I lost you, then I would experience no one left. And I am selfish. OK ? I am the asshole."

I moved to her, sinking on the couch. I folded my hands across my chest.

"Anna, you ARE going to mislay me. I am not doing this anymore. I need you in my life, but I can't sit back and watch you date guy after guy. Marry them. Then come to me with your job. I can't. I know I can be the man for you. I know I can make you what you want. And I can't sit back and observe this parade of loser. I can't be your safety net."

"I know."

I covered my centre with my hand, rubbing them. I had not cried since Tommy Craig punched me in the nose in eighth grade. I brushed the whisker back, off my forehead. It felt heavy in the room.

"I am sorry to do this tonight, Anna."

"No …"

"I could've waited."

"Don't apologize. I should."

Anna reached out, taking my paw again. She pulled it to her pectus, against her heart. I turned to expect at her."buss me,"she said."Kiss me. Let's figure the rest out later. I promise. I want this. Please ?"

I swallowed hard. Anna was a fixer. She hated annoyance in people. I wasn't sure if this was real or her way of healing a wound. But I was weak. I leaned in and kissed her.

I have had sex lots, but I am not for sure I had ever made love to someone. I had never connected with person on a primaeval level. But I did with Anna that nighttime. It was gentle and raw and emotional. On my couch. As Ryan Seacrest rung in the background.

I stripped her clothes off and gazed at her, drinking her in. She gently stroked my cock as I wrapped her leg around me. I eased into her, slipping my arms around her waist so I could pull her tight against me. It was the initiatory sentence I had been completely inside of her. I tried to clear the mo last.

Our dead body responded to each other. When she thrusted, I pumped. When I pumped, she squeezed. Her sassing never left mine. I could taste the salt from her tears on her brim. Her tongue was aggressive but soothing. When she came, she sank her nails into my back and kissed me hard. She said my name and I froze inside of her, fucking her gently as she rose and fell.

I was closed. I asked her where she wanted me to cum. She said inside of her. She said she was on the pill. I looked at her as I got close, pulling my read/write head back so I could see her eyes. She stared back. We connected. I smiled slightly. So did she. A grin of recognition. I kissed her as I came, my shaft exploding into the abyss of happiness and contentment.

Afterwards, we lay on my couch, wrapped in a blanket. Her branch wrapped around mine, her top dog on my chest and her digit playfully running through my hair.

"I think this changes everything,"she said, looking up at me.

"I am OK with that,"I said, still not fully able-bodied to look at her."Are you ?"

She smiled."Yes,"she said.

"And I'm sorry,"she said, a few seconds later.

"Why ?"

"I was selfish. I was a bad friend."

I smiled, my nous raced. I squeezed her and pulled her tight."It's OK,"I said .