Hannah.

'' Ah Lord Pinkerton ? '' an emboldened mature dame around my mother 's age accosted me as I lounged amiably enough with my sidekick at the fille Fotheringay 's ball at Southam Courtenay, `` Have you met my daughter molly ? ``

I looked past the matron and there through the fug of poisoning I believed I beheld an angel, a great vision in gleaming virginal white, and at second glance an improbably plump one, `` No, I have n't had the pleasure, '' I agreed uncertainly for the odoriferous Mull-berry wine had had its result on me.

'' I should desire not ! '' Algy declared, `` For she may give birth two legs, two arms, two embrace and two middle, though remarkably dis similar, but two chins Johnno, well you must take out a line of work somewhere ! ``

'' Ah, '' I agreed with a content belching, `` Indeed. ``

Poor molly turned and fled as fast as her considerable bulk would allow.

'' You sir are an abomination ! '' the mother averred.

'' Fattening her up for Dec 25, '' Bobby Fawkes chipped in, `` I like a plump bird at Yule ! ``

'' I 'd like to sit down, '' I suggested as I regretted mixing French and English wine-colored so early in the evening.

'' You slight me sir ! '' the matron avowed.

'' William Tell me, '' I asked, `` You have but one chin, a thin weasel like boldness, a narrow waist, thinly spindly legs beneath that gown I 'll wager, so how did you bear a infant elephant for a girl ? '' It was said by way of an honest search for the truth.

'' I shall not remain to be insulted ! '' the matron replied.

'' Oh, shall you go elsewhere ? '' Bobby enquired.

'' Oh it was no insult brothel keeper, '' Algy insisted, `` No Johnno seeks to bed you. ``

She half smiled, `` Indeed, then I shall inform my married man, Lord Garth. ``

'' That large oaf, '' Samuel Verney added, `` I should quake in my thrill if it were me. ``

'' Madam, '' I added, `` I have no great desire to make have intercourse to you, '' I insisted, `` Though I should certainly favour you in my bed to that dandy ox of a daughter, for she would surely break the bed frame ! '' It seemed suspect at the metre, you understand but the next thing Algy had to ill-treat forward to barricade the matron striking me.

I can not hark back much of the eventide after that, but in the voluminosity of prison term I awoke in a bed in the Red Leo Inn in Southam Whiston with the sun high in the noon day sky and the pipe and drum band of the Caithsby Militia playing inside my skill.

'' Oh my point, '' I croaked.

'' So you are not dead ? '' an unfriendly distaff voice boomed around inside my skull.

'' No madam. '' I agreed, `` Though if I spent the night with you I wish I were. ``

'' Indeed, '' she boomed,

'' Can you please restrain the noise down. '' I asked, `` My head is bursting ! ``

'' You insulted my daughter molly, '' she insisted.

'' Oh god, Mrs Garth, '' I groaned.

'' Lady Garth, '' she corrected me, `` What do you specify to do about it ? '' she demanded.

'' Absolutely cypher madam, for she is fat as a pig, '' I explained, `` I own I 'd rather buss a pig than Molly, on account of the lesser identification number of chins they display. ``

'' Very well then, '' she said and began to shout, `` Unhand me you drunken oaf, '' and with theatrical flair she tore at her bodice and through its ok quaity and keen goad work she dislodged but one solitary push where she sought to reveal her bosoms to plain view.

'' Maker Pinkerton I am a married charwoman ! '' she protested and right on cue my door opened and there were molly and the Inn keeper 's maid as witness and Lord Garth himself, a weak creature of apparently octogenarian vintage though in truth he was but sixty such it was said was the voraciousness of gentlewoman Garth 's dark clock time demands that he had aged twenty years in the first six months of marriage.

'' clasp hard young Pinkerton, why are you dallying with the mem sahib ? '' he asked.

'' No idea sir, '' I explained, `` Your girl is fat as a pig sir, '' I said inelegantly, `` Lady Garth came to remonstrate.

'' Carry on then, '' he said from the doorway.

'' dada God Almighty Pinkerton has shown entire disrespect for myself and our family, '' mollie cried.

'' But you are as fat as a pig love, '' master Garth admitted and nodding towards his married woman he continued, `` And watch that one for she 'll eat you active sir, '' he added as an after thought.

'' But my honour, challenge him Oswald, '' Lady Garth insisted.

'' Challenge, why he would win paw down, '' Lord Garth averred, `` No you challenge him if you see fit, I am taking a pass around the ballpark, good day. ``

Lady Garth stared in disbelief, `` He, '' she started to say.

'' Is a very knowing man, lady Garth, '' I added, `` May I wish you good day ? ''

'' No indeed you may not ! '' Lady Garth insisted, `` Not until this topic is settled. ``

I groaned, my head was far from cleared yet, `` Then allow me some secrecy that I may dress, ''
I asked reasonably enough.

'' No, I shall persist, '' Lady Garth insisted.

'' Then so be it, '' I suggested and I pulled my night shirt clean and jerk over my head to stand naked, sadly incognizant that my cronies had writ `` Pinkertons Prong a shilling an hour, '' across my belly in lamp blackness in the depth of the night.

'' Oh ! '' Lady Garth cried in surprise, `` Its huge ! ``

'' Oh, its huge ! '' cried Molly in alert,

'' Oohh, its huge, '' the amah said admiringly as sensing the scent of a char my prong raised himself to his full eight inch and more of elongation.

'' Put it away sir you will frighten the cavalry, '' Lord Garth said as he returned to essay the cause of the whirl, `` Or else do somebody an injury. ``

'' Ooohh yes what an wound, '' the housemaid simpered.

'' Damn it where 's me breeches, '' I cursed as my night shirt descended to drape itself around the ancestor of my prong leaving him straining still.

'' Marigold, stop staring, '' Lord Garth councelled, `` Wife number away ! '' he repeated.

'' Mummy did he do it ? '' a fresh articulation asked.

I looked an another amah had appeared, dressed in a simple T. H. White shift, her cheek like the mother perhaps yet twenty geezerhood her junior, blue eyed and blonde of hair's-breadth, svelte where the sis was porcine, well proportioned where the babe was piggy, funfair of face where the sister was distinctly swinish, and she regaled my prong with a steely regard as her hair flowed untamed around her shoulders.

'' Look away young lady ! '' Lord Garth cried, but to no avail and though I knew it not at once the maid was smitten.

'' Uh, it 's vast ! '' she said, `` Poor Mummy ! ``

'' Hannah ! '' Lady Garth cried, `` front away, normal men are not so well endowed, so veneration not. ``

'' Earl Marchington ? '' Hannah asked.

'' How should I know, probably not, '' noblewoman Garth blushed, `` My Hannah is betrothed to Earl Marchington. ``

'' What old Freddie ! '' I asked.

'' No the old duffer, '' Hannah admitted, `` Freddie 's daddy, '' she continued, `` He is rich, we are not. ``

'' Your girl is most forward sir, '' I suggested as I tried to cover my prong even as the throng pushed into my way as more joined to investigate the commotion.

'' I 'd be wed by now if only mollie would get herself betrothed, '' Hannah argued.

'' Oh I see ! '' the fog cleared, slowly, `` And I have the only prong long enough to penetrate the bosomy mounds of build that protect mollie 's ah, honour ? ``

'' Yes in a nut plate. '' Lord Garth suggested.

'' Just get out all of you ! '' I demanded.

'' Then I demand one hundred wop of I shall report that you abused me carnally in the Nox ! '' lady Garth said triumphantly.

'' Did I ? '' I queried, `` How ? ``

'' Oh what a dubiousness ! '' she snorted.

'' Indeed, '' Lord Garth confessed, `` There are an hundred and more that will evidence to waking up with my madam Garth. ``

'' Silence you imbecile, '' Lady Gath replied, `` You make me sound like a harlot ! ``

I looked around, there were seven crowded into the tiny way, the box bed and cellblock gown encroached further and there was still no house of my knee pants, nor undergarments.

'' And where exactly do you think we conjoined ? '' I asked. `` On the floor ? '' I spread my arms wide indicating there was an insufficiency of outer space, `` Or in the box bed ? '' I enquired.

'' On the bed of form ! '' the female parent insisted.

'' And where should your spread legs go ? '' I asked.

'' Oh, indeed, '' Almighty Garth agreed, `` The sides of the box bed would trench most painfully. ``

'' With momma on top then, '' Hannah declared.

'' Really, '' I enquired and I lay back on the bed and showed just how tightly the sides fitted me, `` And where would her knees go. ? ``

There was a rustling of linen, a T. H. White saint appeared and jump upon the bed like a playful gun dog, `` Like so ! '' Hannah insisted, and she planted a knee joint each side of my hip bones.

'' Your mother is neither supple nor agile as you ! '' I declared.

'' But it is possible, '' Hannah insisted.

'' Hannah get down this instant ! '' Lady Garth cried, `` You are betrothed ! ``

But it was all too late for she began to slide down down, as as she did she pulled her shift and mine so that no one saw my prong slide up the front of her paunch and all believed I had pronged her.

'' Hannah ! '' Lady Garth cried, `` Get off him this instant

'' Stupid lady friend ! '' Lord Garth added.

'' She must deliver a void like a cow if she could necessitate that without a whine, '' the maid observed.

'' Indeed, '' I agreed, `` Had I impaled her the unharmed humankind would have heard. ``

'' I stifled my scream, '' Hannah suggested as she bounced ineffectually upon my loins.

'' You could n't possibly, '' I said, `` I won best prong three terms running at schooltime ! ``

'' Yes I could ! '' she insisted.

'' liar ! '' I replied.

'' Yes I could ! '' she challenged again, and in one ill advised drift I raised her up and as she fell I guided my prong towards her virginal membrane, it parted with a wow that sent crowing scattering a sea mile hence, `` Aggghhhhhh ! '' she cried, `` Desist I beg of you or I shall never take the air again ! ``

'' The pain in the neck will pass soon enough, '' I suggested.

'' I can not stand it, '' she said and the tears flowed.

'' Just check still, '' I suggested as I sobered very quickly, `` Perhaps your honour is inviolate ? '' I asked hopefully.

'' With half your prong inside her I think not ! '' Lady Garth insisted.

'' one-half ! '' Hannah cried and as she stilled she found herself sinking agonisingly ever further onto my prong, providing me with such exquisite pleasure that I could comprise myself no further and I lay back eyes closed to bask the here and now of expulsion.

'' Oh no, do n't you dare ! '' madam Garth exclaimed but suddenly my pubes were pumping and a quart and Thomas More of my stickiness surged Forth River within poor Hannah.

'' Ohhhh, '' she gasped, `` mama ! ``

'' He 's claimed you you idiot ! '' Lady Garth cried, `` Come away, quickly, you saw nix nothing do you hear ! '' she insisted.

'' Oh, '' Hannah exclaimed when the door finally shut.

'' Oh indeed, '' I agreed.

'' I am, '' Hannah said quietly, `` Undone, ''

'' No matter, '' I suggested, `` Get old Marchington inebriate and he 'll never be any the wiser. ``

'' Was that only three function in ? '' she asked.

'' Indeed, '' I agreed, `` But climb off before I stiffen again. ``

'' Perhaps, '' she said, `` I do n't want to, for when shall I ever go through a prize winning prong again ? ``

'' You Minx ! '' I cried, `` You Jezebel, '' but my prong was renascent and speared upward into her well lubricated viscera with the big of relief.

'' Ohhh, '' she gasped at the renewed encroachment, `` It 's Brobdingnagian ! ``

'' Is it too much ? '' I asked.

'' Perhaps ? '' she said, `` Perhaps not. ``

'' It 's not all the way in, '' I explained

'' Really ! '' she queried, `` It feels like it is, and More ! ``

'' No, it 's, the family curse, '' I explained, `` Few cleaning woman can take aim the unit of a Pinkerton prong, those that can are working girl, '' I added, `` I am cursed never to receive the perfect woman who can hold my stallion length. ``

'' Then I am greatly relieved, '' she said and went to kick upstairs herself up but in doing so she slipped and slid down my prong even more, `` Nooooo, '' she wailed but to no effect for she was so moist she slid right down to the very origin of my prong, `` Like that ? '' she asked.

'' Oh gosh yes, oh Miss Garth, I am enraptured.

'' I am impaled, I fear the pain will never subside, '' she protested.

'' Bear it stoically for indeed it will pass and for myself, '' I admitted, `` I am in ended ecstasy and in a moment I shall soothe your inner most component. ``

'' No you must not, '' she protested, but my cream was already boiling Forth River from my loins, `` delight I pray, '' she continued, `` No, oh lord no, '' and a big waterspout gushed from me and I saw angels and the completely heavenly host applause and cheering and Hannah 's font had not the appearing of someone in pain, oh no far from it, she was as enraptured as I.

'' I fear I shall never take the air properly again, '' she observed, `` You have ruined me utterly, '' she protested, `` No man shall require me now. ``

'' And you have shown even a slender woman might pack my length and girth and impart me to the top of XTC, '' I explained, `` will you be my whore ? ``

'' Yes ! '' she agreed, as finally she climbed barren of me, `` When I marry the duke I shall chat you regularly. ``

'' Every night ? '' I asked.

'' Oh no, I must spend the nights with my husband, '' she declared, as she tried to stem the deluge of my seed busily escaping her.

'' In that case marry me ! '' I challenged.

'' I thank you for the kind offer but, '' she paused, `` I can not think of a single reason to refuse, except we do not know one another or like one another or. ``

'' But we do fornicate amiably enough, '' I interjected.

'' And you will live a life of temperance ? '' she asked.

'' No, absolutely not ! '' I protested.

'' And stop chasing whores ? '' she suggested.

'' Only when you are indisposed, '' I agreed.

'' And will eff me ? '' she asked.

'' I can try, '' I agreed.

'' And you will lie and say I am beautiful, '' she asked.

I looked at her, `` There is no motivation for me to lie, you are beautiful, '' I told her.

'' Then so be it ! '' she agreed, `` I do n't need to marry a duke anyway, he smells. '' she confided and after a suitable full stop she slipped from my room.

I found my clothes at length and dressed as smartly as yesterdays attire would allow and ventured forth, my acquaintance had already been apprised of my betrothal by my designate Miss Hannah and I sat down to my meal to answer their taunts.

'' Pinkerton, what repast is this, a deep break-fast or an early dejeuner ? '' some wag asked,

'' I call it Brunch, '' I said, `` And later I shall call for senior high school Teadinner. ``

'' Do n't be an retard ! '' Bobby Guy Fawkes chided, `` Brunch, what a ridiculous notion, but why Pinkers ? '' he asked.

'' She took me bollock deep, '' I said, `` Imagine, such a waife like countenance yet within there is a crack of eight inches and more ! ``

'' Oh ? '' Algy enquired, `` And your means of discovery ? ``

'' I pronged her of course ! '' I declared.

'' Oh ? '' Bobby declared, `` scoot it that 's a tad unsporting what with the duke having his heart set. ``

'' Ah well, '' I said, `` When it comes to the three estates they will always be trumped by the prong. ``

'' Easy for you to say Pinkers, '' Sam Verney chipped in, `` But what about those of us with homo size prongs not the bollocks of a pillage bull. ''

'' fountainhead that 's hardly my problem is it ? '' I informed them and I tucked into my brunch while wondering if shepherds pie, fried eggs, bacon and tomato was an entirely saucy choice for my meal.

The noon came and with it my divergence from the Southam Courtenay and its environs and for my homecoming habitation, the more enobled having stayed with the misfire Fotheringay at Sutton Courtenay lawcourt or the lodging theatre in the undercoat and it was from there that a very raging Earl Marchington descended to lambast me.

'' Pinkerton, where is Pinkerton, '' he demanded his piglet lilliputian eyes bulging through immensely thick eyeglasses framed in the thickest frames I ever regaled as he bent his head up to comensate for his arched back and stumpy midst legs and a belly witness to seventy years and more of boozing and eating to excess.

'' Here sir ! '' Algy announced even as I tried to slip away the back way.

'' Pinkerton you cad ! '' he cried, `` Come forth that I might deliver expiation ! ``

'' Sir ? '' I said as I had to return to the dining elbow room to face him.

'' You abused my betrothed ! '' he accused, `` I demand satisfaction ! ``

'' Bessie the landlords daughter is very accommodating, '' Bobby Fawkes suggested.

'' expiation sir ! '' he said, `` A duel ! ``

'' Indeed ? '' I enquired, `` Why ? ``

'' You ravished my doll ! '' he insisted, `` pick out your artillery ! ``

'' Prongs at morning ! '' Algy suggested.

'' You insult me sir, '' the Earl railed. `` I did not come here to be treated with affront ! ``

'' Oh, so precisely where do you go ? '' Algy enquired.

'' Prongs it is then sir, '' I said, `` We shall select two cyprian as like as alike as we may and the one that cries out loudest is the winner. ``

'' I meant the tenacious, '' Algy muttered.

'' You sir are depraved, '' the Earl muttered, `` Is the Landlord 's daughter abroad ? '' he asked, `` For do you cognise I feel stirrings. ``

'' Indeed, '' I agreed, `` Though she is as ugly as a pig with a fragrance to match, ''

'' Ah, then this is she ! '' he agreed as he espied a well padded untried woman waddling towards us, `` Might I trouble you for a flirt ? '' he asked his addle brain mistaking the adult female for the Landlord 's daughter.

'' A dalliance ? '' she demanded, `` A dalliance ! '' for far from the Landlord 's daughter it was indeed Molly Garth, Hannah 's sis that had come to see me.

'' You mock me ! '' the Earl demanded, `` You think I am incapable ! ''
I nearly burst my sides with the endeavour of stifling my laugh

'' No sir, no but a flirt ? '' she said.

'' Dalliance, pronging, criminal conversation, call it what you will, '' he demanded, `` I have stirring and I demand satisfaction ! ``

'' Damn it girl, my Lord Earl Marchington has need, '' I insisted, as I almost shook with laughter, `` Disrobe now I say ! ``
'' Earl ? '' she queried, `` Earl Marchington ! ``

'' Indeed, quickly girl, '' he declared, `` I have inspiration ! ``

Fat ugly and slack moving as she was molly was not entirely stupefied, `` Oh then let me console you, '' she lisped, and looked to me for assistance.

'' Disrobe, use my elbow room, no the dining mesa might suffice. '' I suggested.

'' No ! '' Molly protested, `` I can not ! ``

'' Lend a hand Pinkerton, before the desire fades ! '' the Earl cried, and before I could react both Algy and Bobby had stepped forward and after a sec thought so Sam came forward and they gently eased molly towards the dining table, `` Disrobe her man ! '' the Earl cried.

'' For pities sake ! '' Molly cried as I watched, `` Unhand me ! '' she cried again but to my disgrace I just stood aside and watched as Molly was pulled towards the table and then reversed against it and rolled on her back and it was the work of a import to perpetrate her skirts and underskirts up and so expose her bloated belly and the volume of fur hiding her slot.

The Earl was now scrabbling at his boot lacing, his breeches around his ankles and his prong revealed, some four or five inches in duration yet improbably fat like his belly.

I looked at his prong and her stomach and back again, it would never do, `` On the boundary of the tabular array ! '' I ordered, seeing that the Earl 's prong and table stood at the same tiptop or thereabouts and at my summons so the mating began, a complicated affair, with Algy holding molly 's shoulders and Sam and Bobby holding her legs asplayed as the Earl approached with his prong rampant and slid it neatly within the furs of her slot.

'' Oh ! '' Molly gasped as the Earl claimed her.

'' Like it do you wench ? '' The Earl asked.

Poor Molly, she knew not what to answer so she held her tongue while the Earl amused himself for a few moments until his eye rolled signifying his moment of release and at that very moment Molly 's mother stepped into the room.

'' Molly ! '' the female parent cried.

'' I say ! '' the Earl cried, `` You might bump ! ``

'' Un hand my daughter ! '' she cried.

'' This is not your daughter this is the Landlord 's maid, '' the Earl cried, `` Can you not see she is fat as an ox and ugly as a groundless Sus scrofa ? ``

'' That sir is mollie my previous daughter, '' Lady Garth insisted, `` Now pull your breeches up sir lest the goose bumps on your prat frightens the gymnastic horse. ``

'' Are you sure ? '' he asked, `` Your daughter you say ? '' he asked.

'' Yes ! '' Lady Garth insisted, `` And you barbarians holding pitiful mollie down ! ''

'' My eye she would be a great comfort of a rimy night, '' the Earl confessed, `` Nice and plump and willing. ``

'' You said she was ugly as a pig, my lord, '' I reminded him.

'' It matters not when the candles are blown out. '' he agreed, `` depend young Pinkerton, lets forget our duelling, you have the thin one and I 'll take the plump one, are we agreed. ``

'' Indeed sir a uppercase suggestion, '' I agreed.

'' Do I have no say in this ? '' Molly asked.

'' No, not if you are to be a Countess ! '' Lady Garth intoned, `` We shall get the name changed on the marriage licence forthwith, is three calendar week the next Sat convenient for the wedding my lord. ``

'' I believe so, '' the Earl agreed, `` Damn it I shall get to it so. ``

'' But what about me ! '' Hannah protested.

'' I shall get hitched with you ! '' I reminded her.

'' But you are a drunkard and a adulterer ! '' Hannah 's mother protested.

'' Agreed, but I do consume my break, '' I admitted.

'' And when shall you get hitched with me ? '' Hannah asked.

'' This very moment if you wish, '' I suggested

'' Before the Maker ! '' she insisted.

'' Ah, '' Lord Garth suddenly announced, `` Have a double solemnisation, save me a portion do n't you know.

'' Yes ! '' Lady Garth agreed, wistfully, `` You always were a cheap skate why not state the world ! ``

'' And where shall we last ? '' Hannah asked.

'' Oh lord knows, '' I replied, `` British capital, or Barsetshire or Scotland, follow the season, '' I explained.

'' But we must settle down, buy a home ! '' Hannah insisted, `` An landed estate perhaps ! ``

'' Buy another house ! '' I protested, `` Damn it I have four already, Id'rather sell one than buy another ! ``

'' Little Joe sign of the zodiac ? '' she said in amazement.

'' Big ones, hundreds of tike hovels of trend. '' I admitted, `` I leave all that to my man ! ``

'' Yes well, '' Lady Garth interjected, `` We well fuck how prone to exaggeration Lord Pinkerton is. ``

'' Me, exaggerate, '' I protested, `` On the wayward ma'am, I habitually down encounter my talent so as not to frighten the fillies. ``

'' I do n't mean your prong ! '' ma'am Garth explained, `` I mean your wealthiness. ``

'' If Hannah loves me then textile matter will not weigh. '' I insisted, `` For where else will she discover such a fulfilling prong ? ``

'' Is that rightfield Mother ? '' Hannah queried.

'' How should I screw ? '' the mother asked in embarrassment.

'' Why there is hardly a servant that you have not at some time serviced, '' Lord Grath reminded her, `` Indeed Hannah has the tone of Colonel Templeman about her do you not think ? ``

'' No ! '' Lady Garth protested, `` She does not ! ``

'' fountainhead she looks very amercement in any font, '' I explained, `` So if you will excuse us I shall cue my beloved of the advantages of marrying me ! '' and I snatched her up and whisked her away to my way and pronged her anew, though it must be admitted that when faced with that awkward box bed and cramped room it proved most efficatious when she sat on the very edge of the bed and then as I stood and pronged her so I lifted her absolved from the floor forcing my humanness so rich into her that she squealed and wailed in go even as she wrapped her branch around me and I walked around the bedroom supporting her solely with my prong and there I found heaven .