My First Lesbian Experience

It was late. It was raining. And dark. And cold.

The audio of the folk chemical group wafted down the street from the Flying Equus caballus as I nibbled at something that might once own been a cod before it was cremated and sealed in cardboard flavoured yellow concrete and stuffed in newspaper with slice of raw potato.

I opened the pub door as the north chow premier ( and only ) Lesbian anti paedophile set Boris and the Pedos sang.
"String the sodomist up"
"String the buggers up"
"There's nothing as vile as a paedophile, so string the buggers up !"An audience of three hide question and an old old codger who mistook it for Fats Domino night sat there bored out their skulls.

"All right Johnno ?"Boris the lead Isaac Bashevis Singer shouted as her stripe rested between numbers.

Nearly bald, five five over twenty pit, squeezed into extra orotund jeans three sizes too small with a leather crown what had probably been old when the first humankind war was on she was the sort of dike Lesbian who got butch lesbians a bad gens.

judgment you the way she liked fucking convicted pedos up the ass with a sledge cock handle made me inquire whether she actually was a lesso. She had cracking bass baritone vox though, pathos she was tone deaf.

"Not so bad, how's it going ?"I asked.

"Not so bad,"she said,"Any favorites ?"

"Bit of poesy ?"I suggested,"The gallows corner ?"

"Sit thee down, and roost awhile."
"And ascertain the lonely pedophile."I started

"As swaying gently in the air, he dangles from the gallows tree !"she finished, ah that's poetry.

"You can't bring solid food in here,"Sandra the barmaid shouted.

"Its from the kebab shop class, I don't reckon it counts as food,"I moaned.

"Them fucking puss hates us,"Harley Charlie, the moped riding chief skinhead announced,"They ought to fuck off back where the come from."

"Where fucking Oldham ?"his mate asked.

"Who gives a nookie, Lashkar-e-Taiba have a sing Song, that old one,"he said drunkenly,"Andrew D. White Cliffs of Dover !"

"We'll chuck Pedos over, the White cliff of Dover, tomorrow just you wait and see."

"We'll get all them SOB and chuck the rest over after,"I suggested,"Then we'll be fucking Pedo resign !"

"You got the words Johnno ?"Boris asked.

"No I just fucking made it up, Christ fucking christ."I replied.

"make a cracking record,"Charlie said, and he stood up,"Need a shit, get the drink in Nobber."

"Why the fuck do I always get to get the drinks in ?"Nobber asked.

"‘ drive your on benefit, no one else got any cash ?"I suggested.

"Fucking hard work, welfare, having to remember to fucking limp."Nobber said, but no one gave a fuck.

"What you having Johnno ?"Sandra asked.

"Anal ?"I suggested.

"To drink not later you filthy bastard !"Sandra retorted and Boris flashed me a black look, she must birth thought she had pulled.

"blackleg piss,"I said.

"You can have one Frank Philip Stella ‘ suit I know what your like after a few pints eh Mr Floppy !"Sandra laughed.

"All fucking right, it was only once."I stammered as me face went bright red,"Ever fix me."

"nookie anything anything any time ?"John hunt club the bookie from Matson street walked out the bog and started taunting me. Hunt the Cunt as we called him.

"Long as its over 18, and has a cunt and a pulse,"I protested.

"Like a cow ?"he laughed.

"Technically they has a vestibule not a cunt,"I said using my superior reason gained from watching pointless roll in the hay game shows and exchangeable crap on pointless fucking daylight TV.

"Her then,"he said pointing at Boris.

"Fuck off she's a fucking Lesso."I said supportively.

"Fifty quid says you can't."He suggested.

"Fifty quid each ?"Boris asked.

"Two hundred, make it five !"Leigh Hunt the bitch taunted.

"christ,"Boris said,"I could use a few quid as it happens."

"Oh for fucks sake,"Hunt sighed,"I was taking the piss."

"We heard,"Harley Charlie chuckled,"What you reckon Johnno ?"

"Yeah, why not, I'm up for it."I lied. Jesus it would be halfway to turning fucking gay. Fucking a fat bald geezer even if it did own a bitch somewhere under the ugly great sheepcote of belly skin.

"This I just got to see !"Sandra said. What I didn't know was she texted all her mates and said to come in round and watch.

"So what's your game ?"Nobber asks Hunt the Cunt.

"Just like to see Lesbos sorted out,"he sniggered.

"Wants a share of the CCTV right hand more like,"I sighed knowing one-half of Saudiafuckingrabia had seen my ass bobbing around on some erotica television channel streamed from the CCTV as I gave Sandra a portion one night after lock up.

"Lads what do you take me for ?"Hunt asked.

"Money grabbing cunt,"Harley Charlie said nicely.

"Yeah well making money's me hobby ennit ?"search laughed,"Go on. I'll make it a high-minded each."

"I dunno,"I said,"What you reckon Boris ?"

"If your up for it I am."she said,"I need the cash."

"Getting up for its the problem,"I thought to me self as I tried to shut me centre and think of England, or actually that conniption in Nippon Porno Farm three where the Jap lady friend all strip off on the parade ground and start doing exercises until the chap start fucking them.

It was no in force, me cock did a passable caricature of a French S shipment ( Snail ).

"In the back way ?"I suggested.

"Lock the doorway Sandra,"Hunt suggested.

"piece of tail that me mates is coming,"Sandra explained.

"Oh fucking jesus."I thought.

"right hand lets do one more set of can buy me eff,"Boris called as she twanged a horrifying row from her reliable Chinese Scatocaster Guitar, It might have worked better if she had noticed it was for 120 V not 240 but reading and thinking were not exactly her strong points.

"Buy me a adamant pack you cunt and you can sleep with me tonight."
"Stick it up me bum you cunt and I'll make it all seem right.
"crusade all I want is,"“ Lots of money and Money can buy me love,"
"Can buy me luh-uv,"
she wailed.

Poor old Macker John Lennon must stimulate been turning in his pit.

Actually the pub was filling nicely.

Boris was starting another set.

"Tie a fucking pedo round the old oak tree
If he fucking dies its all right by me."

"Who writes this Irish bull ?"hunting asked.

I never admitted anything,"Its sarcasm,"I said.

"nookie racist,"he said shaking his head.

"Across the sea, where all the priests are pedophile, ''
"Celibate means the ass lot are gay."Boris warbled to what might well give birth been supposed to be the tune to"Danny Boy."

"Saviour sake Johnno she'll be on the racist crap next do something !"Sandra hissed in me lug cakehole as the pub filled with her mates.

I stepped up to the mike, I got a half decent voice, well it was ok till it broke, variety of split down the eye more like, when me balls dropped."You all know this one,"I shouted and started singing a crapello, that means on me tod.

"The Dew on the meadow, the mist on the stream.
The river runs down to the sea."

"We gather together to greet the dawn
and England belongs to me."

Boris's mate crashed in a few random chords on bass voice Guitar which was handy because I started far too senior high school

"So bugger the spaniards and bugger the batrachian, and bugger the old EEC
The whole fucking Eurozone can get stuffed 'cause England belongs to me."

"Italians are pedopiles so are the Hun, the polish have all got VD
So lets get and establish an nuclear dud and bungle them to buggery."

"And blow them to Bug, and blow them to Bug,"

"And burn out them to bug er ree !"I finished as a solo and then tried to make a run for it.

"Bloody blaze that was fucking brilliant !"this pissed up cocotte with DD titmouse and blond hair straight out of a atomizer can who might feature passed for 25 on a dark night where you couldn't see the line under her eyes cooed as she pressed her tit against me.

Suddenly S Cargo turned to frankfurter, well more comparable broom handle if I'm honest ‘ cause I wont see twenty again in a hurry like either.

"Ohhh you are a big boy,"she cooed as she cupped me balls through me jeans.

"Its now or never,"I thought as I pulled away from her.

"And now the briny event,"I said,"Drum drum roll please Karen."

"I'm fucking Elsie you blind twat !"the drummer replied but she started smacking hell out of the drum skins all same.

"Go for it ?"Boris asked.

I nodded.

She pulled down her clamber fast extra large jeans and the braggy curl of pink belly fat you ever did see cascaded down completely hiding what looked like a midget couple of pink panties.

Me fervency was fading. ( Posh lingo for me prick was shrinking, fast )

"Stick it anywhere no one will notice !"Boris hissed as I dropped my pants and pushed her against the bar.

Now any sensible fucker would own rubbered up but I didn't have metre, and anyway contrive A was to shoot up somewhere under a roll of flabby under her belly release but wouldn't you know whoremaster Thomas went straight for the moist post. I reckon she must accept fancied the blonde tart with the DDs Saame as I had.

The feel of me barren cock head on a moist cunt sass is much the same whether its Brianny or Mad Donna or someone what looks like some fuckers grandad and I made the mistake of shutting me eyes.

Next fucking matter I was going for it. Fucking JT was in. right hand up, that fucking flab was mild as fuck and just flowed out the way. She was truly do it. I was truly fucked.

"Oh god."I moaned but I never had the sense to stop.

"No don't that feels too nice, for fucks sake Johnno !"Boris was wailing.

I started going for it, like a fucking terrier against a Duke of Wellington iron heel, it felt too fucking skillful. It was all wrong and then the pressure release alarm went off in me bollocks.

"Ready or not I'm coming !"I shouted and to a bloody big cheerfulness I shot me load.

"pretender !"someone cried.

"He fucking didn't he slimed me !"Boris protested and she showed three of her tubby digit inside her and dragged them out glistening with spunk.

Fucking applause all circle, fucking ten I. F. Stone and a bit weakling and a dyke les. It must have looked hilarious, like one of them little male person wanderer fucking them Brobdingnagian female black widder spiders except I hadn't been ate yet.

"Pay prison term,"I said as whoremonger Hunt tried to sneak away.

"Fair do's you earned it,"he laughed and he flashed a wad of notes. I flicked through.

"And the rest,"I said without counting.

He coughed up another ton or so which brought it just over two grand which was fair.

"You really would fuck anything you fucking worm,"Sandra said.

"roll in the hay pot calling the fucking boiler,"I said,"At least I get a lordly not a half of lager and a few chips."

"Too shay,"she said,"Anyway its rubbers for you now, you don't know where that's been."

"Fucking sunrise after pill, is the late night pill pusher still spread ?"I asked.

"I crumbled two in her vodka and orange,"Sandra said,"Someone has to look after you."

"I know,"I said,"I am grateful."

"Elsie says if I have IVF and have three we can get a 3 bedroom council menage straight away,"Sandra said all innocuous like.

"Not that fucking grateful,"I said as Boris decided not to gravel trying to draw her belly back in her jeans but to adhere the spare mike up her twat instead as she launched in to song.

"He's got a Pedo's bollocks in his mitt,
He's got his shaft and bollock in his deal,"and as she sang,
'' He's got a Pedo's ballock in his hand, '' again the the audience joined in with.
"And he'll rip the fuckers off !"

"There ain't no way for Pedo's in this demesne,"they continued.

I'd had enough, I felt cat, that was pretty low fucking a ugly dyke Les for money, Ok unspoiled than sweeping roads or collecting tax or walking the streets like a plod but pretty bloody low.

I opened the room access. There were half a dozen uniforms sheltering in the porch.

"Oh its you Allthwaite,"the law serjeant-at-law said knowingly,"Off home ?"

"Nah off down the Mosk for Friday Prayers."I corrected him.

"Its Tuesday,"the serjeant corrected,"This gentleman's gentleman is your actual pitch blackness Moslem Gay Lesbian transexual member of every bloody minority the menage berth has ever heard of and plenty more beside, arrest him at your peril."

My reputation had preceded me"Box ticking,"I agreed.

"Just fuck off."He said.

So I did, and they arrested some bloke who came out his gaff in his nightshirt to complain about the row.

Its a funny old world.

And that was me first Lesbian experience .