Blagthorpe, Yorkshire, England 1886. Finest pit int'whole world.

Life were punishing back then

I were standing by fire in pit head office watching our firstborn Lucy shovelling coal into railway system police wagon, as fast as any man. By eck, I thought, what a lass, and that's when I had a notion.

I'm Patrick Henry Blagthorpe, They calls me Lord Blagthorpe, or that bastard Blagthorpe. I own pit and village of Blagthorpe as it happens, I has a reputation you see.

I married a widdow, Elsie Sugden. Her had a kid already, Lucy. I says married, we never wasted brass instrument on Christian church or nil. Every bit of brass went into business.

Useless beef she were and all. Seven bloody giirls her popped before her cried sufficiency and went to slumber in spare room, well one of em, I had twelve bedrooms at last count.

I went outside to ingest a intelligence,"Eee lass thee's fit."I says to our Lucy.

"What's this chatting up thee daughter, he'll be in thee knickers next,"cocker spaniel Drayton joked.

"clit it Cocker,"I says,"I means she's hard as any lad,"I says.

"fountainhead don't go geting any estimation,"Lucy snapped,"I told thee I'll not Cook and clean and jerk for thee, nor go down pit, I'd rather go down whore house."

"Look here, thee'd frighten blokes stupid, now if thee's got any signified thee's sell the honour to gamey bidder."I suggested.

"And how much would you provide ?"she asked.

"5 bob,"I laughed.

"Done, I'll enjoin our mam."she grinned and went back to shovelling. She must give been hot as she had her shirt undone and thee could see her whatsits swinging as she shovelled.

I got home after dark. Table was set. Tea was cold as always. Elsie was bloody measly as always.

"For half a blooming peak I'd send the lot of thee to workhouse,"I joked to lighten mood.

"For half a crown I'd bloody go,"Elsie said moodily.

"Mam our Dad offered five bob for me honour,"Lucy blurted out as she washed the coal dust off her while stripped to the shank by kitchen sink.

"Some bloody hopes it must be long gone,"Elsie snapped.

"No, no bugger's had me our mam, ent no one as I fancy,"Lucy said,"Except Daddy."

"Now hang on I were jesting,"I said,"Thee's me daughter."

"So why am I working in pit not at some poncy finishing schooltime or some such ?"Lucy asked.

"I don't want thee cavorting with toff, I wants thee,"I said,"I wants thee close at hand so I can wait after thee."

"So no early bugger has me,"she challenged,"You want's me for thee own, for thee whore !"

She stood there, whatsits hanging out, the teats all stood up, face and tomentum all Black, and it hit me."I reckon thee's right."I said. I had a think,"Thee's old enough, there ‘ ent nowt but good manners for keeping thee around as thee ent mine so there ‘ ent no reason we shouldn't is there."

"I'd snap thee petty dick in half,"she challenged wi'her eyes ablaze.

"Go and fuck the footling beef,"Elsie said,"Then chuck her out ungrateful mare."

I found a fortunate wop,"Here thee are then,"I says as I handed it to her,"Get thee kit off."

"I suppose you want's variety ?"she said.

"Nah save it,"I said. Our Elsie near fainted, she were so shocked by me generosity.

"Da,"Lucy says,"Can we go somewhere more private ?"

"Nay, sodomite it, me saps up,"I says,"Bend over table our Lucy I'll poke thee from behind."

Our Elsie made a space and Lucy dropped her mans breeches what she wore and bent-grass over table.

Her cleaning woman 's component was all pinko and moist and me tadger was straining fit to bust so I had me belt undone and me kecks round me ankles afore you could say"Ee Bah Gum."

It were lucky he were straining as her thingy put up a fight as I went to poke her, I had to hang on to her whatsits to get a bit of purchase like, but all of a sudden it gev way and I were bollock bass inside her unmentionables. Her moaned all satisfied like as I poked away at her.

It was bloody champion, her seemed to enjoy it as well. I enjoyed me self like I hadn't for bloody ages. In the end when I shot me bolt I were bloody knackered.

I sat down. Our Elsie pushed me tea in straw man of me. It were cold, bloody inedible like. I flung it at her,"Am off down bloody chippy, you coming our Lucy ?"

"What about us ?"Elsie whined.

"Thee made blinking slime, thee can bloody eat ont,"I told her.

Our Lucy pulld her knee breeches up and that and off we went.

They were shocked to see I down Chippy, They let us go first in queue on chronicle of none of ‘ em wanted the sack.

"Two Melanogrammus aeglefinus and a bag o'splintering,"I says,"And what ever thee's having,"I gestured towards our Lucy.

"I'll have a meat pie,"Lucy says,"The big un, what sort of meat is it."

"knight,"Chippy said,"Thee Faither lets us have pit ponies cheap when they're knackered."

"God Almighty Blagthorpe to thee, any road round she ‘ ent me daughter no more ‘ causal agent I been poking her and she's mine now."

"Not till you put a ring on me finger I ent,"Lucy says,"You ent me dad, you ent me nothing,"

"Bloody hell girlfriend,"I says,"Thee don't hang around do thee ?"I thought a mo. She were fit, salubrious, why she had a right than average chance of bearing me a son. Me mind were made up.

"Marry me then our Lucy !"I says.

"‘ Course I will,"she says,"Army of the Righteous nip off down parsonage and set thing in motion."

"Bugger me tha'don't knack about.|"I admitted.

"I had a practiced teacher,"she smiled.

We picked up us ginger nut and headed off down vicar's place.

Vicar bloody near had a fit,"But she's your daughter !"he whined.

"Step girl,"Lucy reminded him,"Him and me Mam ent married any route and me half Sister is all bastards."

"I wouldn't shout all of em dickhead, bloody irritating mebe,"I confessed.

"She means technically,"the Vicar said helpfully,"So there is a lot to machinate, blossom, bells, choir,"

"That's bollocks is that,"Lucy says,"No bloom, no bells, no choir, no damn fancy dresses, just squall the Banns, marry us section way through morning serve and then us can get started on a son and heir for pop, I mean for Henry."

"Are you sure ?"I asks.

‘ Course I'm sure,"Lucy insisted,"I know thee loves brass more than anything so I ent going to pop off by riling thee am I ?"

I were shocked to the nitty-gritty, she understood me in a way our Elsie never did. Elsie always wanted new clobber long afore the old were wore out, her'd of wanted flowers and the unharmed bloody shebang.

We went back home, I expected Lucy to bunk in along with I but her said not money box us was wed so I had to micturate do with Elsie and her sole let me horn in her backside.

Three week later we was wed. Bloody hell did I know it. I were blinking knackered. Her wanted it sunup noon and Nox, afore break fast, during first light fag break, snap clip and after tea as well as bed time.

"You'll give me ticker attack !"I protested as she jumped on me thingy for the second time in an minute in pit office wi clerks and that trying to look t'early way.

"And all thee stuff will be mine,"she said her oculus ablaze.

"Ah, so that's thee plan,"I agreed as her bounced up and down on me thingy which were plastered as a pit property,"So what u'd thee change if I popped me clot ?"

"kick our bloody Mam out for a start, and me bloody sisters,"she said,"Get a decent house what's slow to keep clean and warm handy for pit."

"And,"I says as her bounce up, down and sideways on me thingy, pleasuring her sen.

"Get me self a fit bloke what can roger me sideways all day and all night."she said wistfully.

"He'd have thee fat we child afore thee knowed,"I assured her,"But thee has a decimal point, what bloody use is thee Mam except when thee has womens thingys and I can't have thee. eats her out and the kids, send em down piece of work house."

"You cauterise illegitimate child !"she said,"They're your bloody kids."

"Not a shit o serious none of em,"I admitted,"e should kick the bloody lot out."

"thing is,"Lucy said,"If we moved in that nice three bed down Abbotoire Road as I got me eye on."

"Yes ?"I said,"We could let big house out as flats, send the sometime fille down pit, lend youngest to chimney expanse, and set our Mam up in her own whore family and charge her rent."

I were gob smacked. I shot me load in electrical shock."Bugger me our Lucy,"I says,"Why the ‘ ell didn't I think of that !"

"Yer gettin'old, and I had a good instructor,"she happily as she climbed off me and wiped her sen on table fabric."Now have a bit of a kip, I'll be back for more in half a mo !"

Her went back to shovelling.

"Her'll have thee in too soon grave accent you mark my words,"Cocker Drayton tribal chief clerk muttered.

"I die happy,"I answered,"Then mebbe her'll shag thee ?"

He went quite pale.

"I'm bloody joking you wazzock !"I taunted him.

He bloody fainted. Said it were electrical shock of me cracking a joke, number 1 time in the 20 yr he 'd worked'for me.

Its bloody funny what love does to thee .