Blagthorpe, Yorkshire, England 1886. Finest pit int'whole world.

biography were strong back then

I were standing by fire in pit forefront office watching our eldest Lucy shovelling coal into railway station wagon, as fast as any man. By eck, I thought, what a lassie, and that's when I had a notion.

I'm Henry Blagthorpe, They calls me Lord Blagthorpe, or that love child Blagthorpe. I own pit and village of Blagthorpe as it happens, I has a repute you see.

I married a widdow, Elsie Sugden. Her had a kid already, Lucy. I says wed, we never wasted brass on church or goose egg. Every bit of brass went into business.

Useless bitch she were and all. seven bloody giirls her popped before her shout enough and went to sleep in spare way, well one of em, I had twelve bedroom at last count.

I went outside to have a Logos,"Eee lass thee's fit."I says to our Lucy.

"What's this chatting up thee daughter, he'll be in thee knickers next,"Cocker Drayton joked.

"push button it Cocker,"I says,"I means she's strong as any blighter,"I says.

"Well don't go geting any ideas,"Lucy snapped,"I told thee I'll not cook and clean and jerk for thee, nor go down pit, I'd rather go down whore house."

"feel here, thee'd frighten blokes stupid, now if thee's got any sense thee's sell the honour to highest bidder."I suggested.

"And how much would you offer up ?"she asked.

"Five bob,"I laughed.

"Done, I'll tell our mam."she grinned and went back to shovelling. She must bear been hot as she had her shirt undone and thee could see her whatsits swinging as she shovelled.

I got home after dark. board was set. Tea was cold as always. Elsie was bally miserable as always.

"For half a blinking crown I'd send the lot of thee to workhouse,"I joked to brighten mood.

"For half a crown I'd bloody go,"Elsie said moodily.

"Mam our Dad offered five bob for me honour,"Lucy blurted out as she washed the ember dust off her piece stripped to the waist by kitchen sink.

"Some flaming hopes it must be long gone,"Elsie snapped.

"No, no bugger's had me our mam, ent no one as I fancy,"Lucy said,"Except Daddy."

"Now hang on I were jesting,"I said,"Thee's me daughter."

"So why am I working in pit not at some poncy finishing school or some such ?"Lucy asked.

"I don't want thee cavorting with nob, I wants thee,"I said,"I wants thee close at bridge player so I can await after thee."

"So no former bugger has me,"she challenged,"You want's me for thee own, for thee harlot !"

She stood there, whatsits hanging out, the teats all stood up, facial expression and hair all melanize, and it hit me."I reckon thee's right."I said. I had a think,"Thee's old enough, there ‘ ent nowt but courtesy for keeping thee around as thee ent mine so there ‘ ent no reasonableness we shouldn't is there."

"I'd snap thee petty dick in half,"she challenged wi'her center ablaze.

"Go and fuck the short squawk,"Elsie said,"Then chuck her out thankless mare."

I found a golden guinea,"Here thee are then,"I says as I handed it to her,"Get thee kit off."

"I suppose you want's modification ?"she said.

"Nah keep it,"I said. Our Elsie near fainted, she were so shocked by me generosity.

"Da,"Lucy says,"Can we go somewhere more private ?"

"Nay, bugger it, me saps up,"I says,"flexure over table our Lucy I'll poke thee from behind."

Our Elsie made a space and Lucy dropped her mans breeches what she wore and bent grass over table.

Her woman 's parts was all pink and moist and me tadger was straining fit to rupture so I had me belt undone and me kecks round me ankles afore you could say"Ee Bah Gum."

It were lucky he were straining as her thingy put up a fighting as I went to poke her, I had to attend on to her whatsits to get a bit of purchase like, but all of a sudden it gev way and I were bollock deep inside her undergarment. Her moaned all meet like as I poked away at her.

It was bloody superstar, her seemed to enjoy it as well. I enjoyed me self like I hadn't for bloody ages. In the end when I shot me bolt I were blinking knackered.

I sat down. Our Elsie pushed me tea in forepart of me. It were cold, bloody uneatable like. I flung it at her,"Am off down bloody chippy, you coming our Lucy ?"

"What about us ?"Elsie whined.

"Thee made bloody muck, thee can bloody eat ont,"I told her.

Our Lucy pulld her breeches up and that and off we went.

They were shocked to see I down Chippy, They let us go first in waiting line on story of none of ‘ em wanted the sack.

"Two haddock and a bag o'chips,"I says,"And what ever thee's having,"I gestured towards our Lucy.

"I'll have a meat pie,"Lucy says,"The big un, what sort of meat is it."

"Horse,"Chippy said,"Thee Faither lets us have pit ponies cheap when they're knackered."

"Lord Blagthorpe to thee, any road round she ‘ ent me daughter no more ‘ cause I been poking her and she's mine now."

"Not till you put a ring on me finger I ent,"Lucy says,"You ent me dad, you ent me cypher,"

"Bloody snake pit girl,"I says,"Thee don't hang around do thee ?"I thought a mo. She were fit, level-headed, why she had a better than fair chance of bearing me a son. Me judgement were made up.

"Marry me then our Lucy !"I says.

"‘ Course I will,"she says,"Army of the Righteous nip off down vicarage and set things in motion."

"bugger me tha'don't hang about.|"I admitted.

"I had a good instructor,"she smiled.

We picked up us snap and headed off down vicar's place.

Vicar bloody near had a fit,"But she's your girl !"he whined.

"Step daughter,"Lucy reminded him,"Him and me Mam ent married any road and me half sis is all bastards."

"I wouldn't shout all of em illegitimate child, bloody irritating mebe,"I confessed.

"She means technically,"the Vicar said helpfully,"So there is a lot to organise, heyday, bells, choir,"

"That's bollocks is that,"Lucy says,"No flowers, no campana, no choir, no bloody fancy dresses, just bid the Banns, marry us part way through good morning service and then us can get started on a son and successor for pop, I mean for Henry."

"Are you sure ?"I asks.

‘ grade I'm sure,"Lucy insisted,"I know thee beloved brass more than anything so I ent going to set about off by riling thee am I ?"

I were shocked to the magnetic core, she understood me in a way our Elsie never did. Elsie always wanted new stuff long afore the old were wore out, her'd of need flowers and the solid bloody shebang.

We went back home, I expected Lucy to bunk in along with I but her said not boulder clay us was wed so I had to make do with Elsie and her simply let me poke her backside.

Three weeks later we was wed. Bloody infernal region did I know it. I were bloody knackered. Her wanted it sunup noon and night, afore severance fast, during morning fag disruption, snap time and after tea as well as bed time.

"You'll ease up me heart attack !"I protested as she jumped on me thingy for the second time in an hr in pit office wi clerks and that trying to look t'other way.

"And all thee stuff will be mine,"she said her middle ablaze.

"Ah, so that's thee plan,"I agreed as her bounced up and down on me thingy which were stiff as a pit prop,"So what u'd thee change if I popped me clogs ?"

"Kick our bloody Mam out for a commencement, and me blinking baby,"she said,"Get a decent sign what's leisurely to preserve clean and quick William Christopher Handy for pit."

"And,"I says as her bouncing up, down and sideways on me thingy, pleasuring her sen.

"Get me self a fit bloke what can roger me sideways all day and all night."she said wistfully.

"He'd have thee fat we child afore thee knowed,"I assured her,"But thee has a point, what bloody use is thee Mam except when thee has womens thingys and I can't have thee. Chuck her out and the nestling, send em down study house."

"You callous bastard !"she said,"They're your bloody kids."

"Not a defecate o just none of em,"I admitted,"e should sound off the bloody lot out."

"thing is,"Lucy said,"If we moved in that nice three bed down Abbotoire road as I got me eye on."

"Yes ?"I said,"We could let big house out as flat tire, send the honest-to-goodness girls down pit, lend unseasoned to chimney sweep, and set our Mam up in her own cyprian family and guardianship her rent."

I were gob smacked. I shot me load in shock."Bugger me our Lucy,"I says,"Why the ‘ ell didn't I think of that !"

"Yer gettin'old, and I had a good teacher,"she happily as she climbed off me and wiped her sen on table fabric."Now have a bit of a kip, I'll be back for more in half a mo !"

Her went back to shovelling.

"Her'll have thee in ahead of time grave you mark my words,"Cocker Drayton chief clerk muttered.

"I die happy,"I answered,"Then mebbe her'll nookie thee ?"

He went quite pale.

"I'm bloody joking you wazzock !"I taunted him.

He bloody fainted. Said it were shock of me cracking a jest, first off fourth dimension in the 20 years he 'd worked'for me.

Its bloody funny what love does to thee .