Blagthorpe, Yorkshire, England 1886. Finest pit int'unit world.

lifetime were hard back then

I were standing by flame in pit head spot watching our eldest Lucy shovelling coal into railway Wain, as fast as any man. By eck, I thought, what a lass, and that's when I had a notion.

I'm Patrick Henry Blagthorpe, They calls me Lord Blagthorpe, or that bastard Blagthorpe. I own pit and village of Blagthorpe as it happens, I has a reputation you see.

I married a widdow, Elsie Sugden. Her had a kid already, Lucy. I says married, we never wasted brass on church building or nothing. Every bit of plaque went into business.

Useless squawk she were and all. Seven bloody giirls her popped before her scream plenty and went to kip in save room, well one of em, I had twelve bedrooms at live count.

I went outside to own a word,"Eee jeune fille thee's fit."I says to our Lucy.

"What's this chatting up thee daughter, he'll be in thee knickers next,"Cocker Drayton joked.

"Button it English cocker spaniel,"I says,"I means she's unassailable as any lad,"I says.

"Well don't go geting any ideas,"Lucy snapped,"I told thee I'll not Captain James Cook and clean for thee, nor go down pit, I'd rather go down whore house."

"Look here, thee'd frighten blokes stupe, now if thee's got any sensory faculty thee's sell the laurels to high-pitched bidder."I suggested.

"And how much would you offer ?"she asked.

"Five bob,"I laughed.

"Done, I'll separate our mam."she grinned and went back to shovelling. She must sustain been hot as she had her shirt undone and thee could see her whatsits swinging as she shovelled.

I got home after shadow. Table was set. Tea was cold as always. Elsie was bloody miserable as always.

"For half a bloody crown I'd send the lot of thee to workhouse,"I joked to lighten mood.

"For half a crownwork I'd bloody go,"Elsie said moodily.

"Mam our Dad offered five bob for me honour,"Lucy blurted out as she washed the coal rubble off her patch stripped to the waistline by kitchen sink.

"Some bloody hopes it must be long gone,"Elsie snapped.

"No, no bugger's had me our mam, ent no one as I fancy,"Lucy said,"Except Daddy."

"Now hang on I were jesting,"I said,"Thee's me daughter."

"So why am I working in pit not at some poncy finishing school or some such ?"Lucy asked.

"I don't want thee cavorting with toff, I wants thee,"I said,"I wants thee close at hand so I can see after thee."

"So no other sod has me,"she challenged,"You want's me for thee own, for thee whore !"

She stood there, whatsits hanging out, the teats all stood up, nerve and hair's-breadth all contraband, and it hit me."I reckon thee's right."I said. I had a think,"Thee's old enough, there ‘ ent nowt but courtesy for keeping thee around as thee ent mine so there ‘ ent no reason we shouldn't is there."

"I'd shoot thee little dick in half,"she challenged wi'her eye ablaze.

"Go and fuck the trivial bitch,"Elsie said,"Then chuck her out ungrateful mare."

I found a golden guinea,"Here thee are then,"I says as I handed it to her,"Get thee kit off."

"I suppose you want's change ?"she said.

"Nah keep it,"I said. Our Elsie near fainted, she were so shocked by me generosity.

"Da,"Lucy says,"Can we go somewhere more private ?"

"Nay, bugger it, me saps up,"I says,"bend over table our Lucy I'll laggard thee from behind."

Our Elsie made a space and Lucy dropped her mans breeches what she wore and bent over table.

Her woman 's parts was all pink and moist and me tadger was straining fit to raid so I had me belt undone and me kecks round me ankles afore you could say"Ee Bah Gum."

It were lucky he were straining as her thingy put up a fight as I went to poke her, I had to hang on to her whatsits to get a bit of purchase like, but all of a sudden it gev way and I were bollock cryptic inside her unmentionables. Her moaned all satisfy like as I poked away at her.

It was bloody champion, her seemed to enjoy it as well. I enjoyed me self like I hadn't for bloody ages. In the end when I shot me bolt I were bally knackered.

I sat down. Our Elsie pushed me tea in front of me. It were cold, crashing uneatable like. I flung it at her,"Am off down bloody chippy, you coming our Lucy ?"

"What about us ?"Elsie whined.

"Thee made blinking muck, thee can bloody eat ont,"I told her.

Our Lucy pulld her breeches up and that and off we went.

They were shocked to see I down Chippy, They let us go first in queue on score of none of ‘ em wanted the sack.

"Two Haddock and a bag o'crisp,"I says,"And what ever thee's having,"I gestured towards our Lucy.

"I'll have a meat pie,"Lucy says,"The big un, what sorting of meat is it."

"buck,"Chippy said,"Thee Faither lets us have pit ponies cheap when they're knackered."

"Lord Blagthorpe to thee, any road bout she ‘ ent me girl no more ‘ cause I been poking her and she's mine now."

"Not till you put a ring on me finger I ent,"Lucy says,"You ent me dad, you ent me nothing,"

"Bloody hell on earth missy,"I says,"Thee don't bent around do thee ?"I thought a mo. She were fit, healthy, why she had a salutary than average chance of bearing me a son. Me mind were made up.

"Marry me then our Lucy !"I says.

"‘ track I will,"she says,"Army of the Pure nip off belt down vicarage and set things in motion."

"sod me tha'don't bent about.|"I admitted.

"I had a trade good teacher,"she smiled.

We picked up us elasticity and headed off down vicar's place.

Vicar bloody near had a fit,"But she's your daughter !"he whined.

"Step daughter,"Lucy reminded him,"Him and me Mam ent married any route and me half sisters is all bastards."

"I wouldn't call option all of em bastards, bloody irritating mebe,"I confessed.

"She means technically,"the Vicar said helpfully,"So there is a lot to organise, flowers, bells, choir,"

"That's bollocks is that,"Lucy says,"No peak, no Melville Bell, no consort, no fucking image dresses, just address the Banns, marry us office way through morn overhaul and then us can get started on a son and heir for dad, I mean for Henry."

"Are you sure ?"I asks.

‘ class I'm sure,"Lucy insisted,"I know thee loves brass Thomas More than anything so I ent going to pop out off by riling thee am I ?"

I were shocked to the magnetic core, she understood me in a way our Elsie never did. Elsie always wanted new clobber long afore the old were wore out, her'd of desire flowers and the entirely bloody shebang.

We went back home, I expected Lucy to run away in along with I but her said not public treasury us was wed so I had to make do with Elsie and her solitary let me poke her backside.

Three weeks later we was wed. Bloody netherworld did I know it. I were bloody knackered. Her wanted it aurora midday and nighttime, afore break fasting, during dawning fag break, flick sentence and after tea as well as bed clip.

"You'll give me heart attack !"I protested as she jumped on me thingy for the 2nd time in an hr in pit office wi clerks and that trying to await t'early way.

"And all thee stuff will be mine,"she said her eye ablaze.

"Ah, so that's thee plan,"I agreed as her bounced up and down on me thingy which were pixilated as a pit airplane propeller,"So what u'd thee change if I popped me back up ?"

"kicking our bloody Mam out for a start, and me bloody baby,"she said,"Get a decent theater what's wanton to celebrate clean and warm W. C. Handy for pit."

"And,"I says as her bounces up, down and sideways on me thingy, pleasuring her sen.

"Get me self a fit bloke what can roger me sideways all day and all night."she said wistfully.

"He'd have thee fat we child afore thee knowed,"I assured her,"But thee has a percentage point, what bloody use is thee Mam except when thee has womens thingys and I can't have thee. Chuck her out and the child, send em down study house."

"You callous mother fucker !"she said,"They're your bloody kids."

"Not a snitch o goodness none of em,"I admitted,"e should recoil the bloody lot out."

"affair is,"Lucy said,"If we moved in that nice three bed down Abbotoire road as I got me eye on."

"Yes ?"I said,"We could let big family out as flats, send the older girls down pit, lend youthful to chimney slam, and set our Mam up in her own whore theater and charge her rent."

I were gob smacked. I shot me load in shock."Bugger me our Lucy,"I says,"Why the ‘ ell didn't I think of that !"

"Yer gettin'old, and I had a good teacher,"she happily as she climbed off me and wiped her sen on table cloth."Now have a bit of a kip, I'll be back for more in half a mo !"

Her went back to shovelling.

"Her'll have thee in other grave you mark my words,"cocker spaniel Drayton chief clerk muttered.

"I die happy,"I answered,"Then mebbe her'll fuck thee ?"

He went quite pale.

"I'm bloody joking you wazzock !"I taunted him.

He bloody fainted. Said it were stupor of me cracking a antic, first time in the 20 years he 'd worked'for me.

Its bloody funny what love does to thee .